I am only willing to post this emotional vomit in good faith that maybe among the 100 plus readers of this "private" blog there will be someone who at some point has felt similar to the way I felt this evening. The way I have felt on several occasions, but on very different levels. It's the way I feel when I walk into my house and realize that it doesn't really matter that I cleaned my house yesterday-- today it all has to be redone because actual people live here. Little boys live here. I live here with my five-month-old baby, who happens to take only short naps and rarely allows me to stick with one activity for more than 15-20 minutes at a time, making my efficiency rate at about a D-.
Well, sorry about that. Actually, not really. I told you in the first few words this was going to be emotional vomit. I meant it.
So, tonight I was sitting amongst a pile of laundry that I was in the process of folding for the second time. During the first go round I noticed that there were some items that didn't look clean. I started the "sniff test" and to my dismay, some of them smelled like wet, dirty puppy dog. (Translation for those of you who may not have boys: they smelled like dirty little boys.) I was annoyed because I realized that in their effort to help, they put dirty clothes in a laundry basket full of clean clothes that had been sitting in the laundry room for a couple of days. (Remember my rate of efficiency?) And yet, this isn't the point. I merely want to point out that I had folded dirty clothes and neatly placed them in the piles with the clean clothes and so I had to re-wash, re-dry, re-fold another load of laundry. Anyone who remotely knows me understands that this alone would be enough for me to gripe and complain by means of blogger. Still, it is not. It just contributed to my mood.
Back to the part where I was sitting amongst all that laundry. I was feeding Eliza, which I had literally done only an hour prior, but there I sat nursing her again, putting the laundry on hold to do so. The door bell rang repeatedly like someone wasn't even letting their finger completely release the bell before pressing it again. It was like, "dindindindindingdong" I, for three very obvious reasons, assumed it was one of my three little boys. I was annoyed and went to answer it only to see a woman standing at my door. I no more than opened the door enough to see it was a woman than she barked at me, "YOU'RE SON JUST THREW A ROCK AT MY CAR!!!"
Of course, I was immediately furious at one of my two oldest boys, knowing it couldn't be Benson since he was sitting next to me when said woman came beating on our doorbell. I walked to the back yard and asked which one was throwing rocks. Kimball said it wasn't him, that he had been jumping on the trampoline. I knew he was telling the truth because McKay looked like he wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear. I grabbed him by the arm and marched him to the front porch to talk to try to make amends.
By this point Eliza was screaming because I had put her down in the middle of her meal, and Benson came to the door to see who was there. The woman said, "Well it looks and sounds like you've got your hands full. You've got one in the back yard on the tramp too, right?" I furrowed my brow and she said, "I tried to get your little boy to come with me to talk to you and he ran through the garage. I peeked into your backyard and saw your other little boy jumping on the tramp."
Nosey woman.
She then proceeded to tell me that she watched McKay standing by our mailbox and as she got closer he got ready to throw a rock at her car right as she drove by. She apparently pulled over immediately and either spoke to McKay and he started running or else he just started running when he realized he was going to be tattled on. Either way, she said that he didn't hit the car but that he shouldn't be standing out on the road throwing rocks at cars. (Duh. I am intelligent enough to figure that out.) Anyway, she again said, "You really do have your hands full. I can hear a baby in there and you've got these boys. You should really probably get some help."
REALLY? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? DID YOU REALLY JUST SAY THAT TO ME?
I most likely wrongfully defended myself by saying, "Yes, I have three busy boys, a five month old baby whom I was just nursing, a home to take care of, a job to keep up with, and a husband with brain cancer. So don't judge me!"
I then told McKay that he needed to apologize to her and told him that he knew better than to #1 be out near the road and #2 to throw rocks. He was embarrassed and nearly cried, but did say that he was sorry. Instead of accepting his apology she just said, "Don't do it again," and she marched off.
After taking McKay back inside and yelling at him for making a wrong choice (yes, I am guilty of yelling at my child and yes, I do feel guilty about it), I sent him to his room and told him that he was to stay there for the rest of the night. I went to my crying baby and picked her up and tried to comfort her. I felt like screaming and crying and punching a hole through the wall all at the same time.
The problem is that the woman verbally stated what I silently fear most. That my hands are too full and that I am not doing a good enough job of taking care of my kids. I haven't found the delicate balance between hovering and giving my kids their space to play and just be kids. I haven't been able to figure out how to adequately "keep an eye" on everything they are doing but still be able to take care of my baby and take care of the laundry and the housework and fix dinner and etc. etc. etc. I try to teach my boys to be good and to make good choices, but they are boys. They are kids. They make their own choices and those choices aren't always the right ones. Sometimes those choices drive me insane and make me wonder how I am going to do this and why I actually wanted to be a mother.
It's is clearly beyond my capacity as was stated by our visitor this evening. I wonder why I actually wanted to be perpetually behind on seemingly every aspect of my life. I wonder why I wanted to be the absolute last one to be able to shower and get myself ready, to eat, or to even use the bathroom. I remember a time in my life when I would have been so embarrassed to have people always see me with my trusty sweatpants, yesterday's makeup, and yesterday's hair just combed out and maybe a little spruced up. Now it's just commonplace.
I want so badly to not be a chubbalub and to be able to wear something more than my "fat clothes" but I can't even get a consistent string of exercise in to make it really count. Yes, I could wake up before my kids and get it done, but to be honest I just want to get every minute of sleep that I can since my baby will still get up three and four times during the night.
The truth is that amongst all the craziness and outright admittance that I am far from getting it all together, I know deep down that I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't chose another life. While I rant and continue to throw a cyber-tantrum, there is a part of me that knows I wouldn't be happier without them.
Each one of my four precious babies has brought something special into our life, into our home, into our family.
Yes, it is an overwhelming charge to have been entrusted with these strong spirits. But, I won't give up. For all the maid-service and clean laundry in the world, I wouldn't trade one of them.
The boys may smell like wet puppies and Eliza might keep me awake at night, but they sure can melt my heart, make me laugh, and remind me of what is most important in life. It's hard and I don't doubt that I will have more nights like this one when I wonder how in the world I will be able to teach them and have them actually mind all they've been taught. Still, I did, and I do want this.
23 comments:
Ha Ha. Looks like we are both up too late at night! Your story made me smile!My sweet Brandon did a similar thing... along with a friend. I was on the phone with the insurance company when the lady came to the door:( Brandon took off, and I had to search the entire neighborhood for him... fun little critters at this age, eh?
Funny how the "kind lady" could see that someone needed help, but was not willing to offer any... even a kind word to a boy, who was JUST BEING A BOY.
Yes, kids need to learn what is okay, and NOT okay- but sometimes they learn by doing it first! I will say, Brandon has never thrown rocks at cars again!
You are a great mom, and wonderful person... and you do deserve some help! I say good for you for even trying to do your laundry!!! Right now the most important thing you can be doing is spending time with your family (and sometimes your friends ;))
So, if you give me a good description of the lady and her vehicle, I will go throw some more rocks at it!
Larry: Oh yes - and we only have 2 kids! We "worship" (seriously) people like you who have more kids than we do!! HOW do you do it? Just know that we think families such as yours have their act together and it's families like us who are trying to keep up! We are going through the same thing as you - Mindy and I talk about it each night... sweat pants and loads of laundry, nosey neighbors, ranting baptist neighbors that ring our door bell and yell at us for being members of a cult, me as young men's president begging 7 kids to come up and PLEASE do their Priesthood duty and either bless or pass the sacrament only to have them say no and their parents tell me that they can't get their kids to do anything. So now me and my counselors have prepared the sacrament and are now blessing and passing it AND we all have wife's sitting alone on the pews with young crying kids... and all these deacons, teachers and priests sitting out there in the congregation looking at us with scowls on our faces with non-chalant parents sitting next to them with blank looks on their faces. Then, just wait till you hit your mid-30's and your body starts breaking down and you notice things hurting that you never had hurting before - and I can't even adjust my eyes correctly to read the tiny sacrament prayer!! Yes, we totally understand AND wouldn't have it any other way!! All I can say is Pres. Monson said we'd look back at days like these and miss them... and I look at Mindy and say "is he serious?" Mindy smiles and says - "enjoy it, for it will all fly by" and I say OK and head off to take care of 100+ inner city kids at my school - most of which are either abused, neglected or worse. I actually have a kid who's starving and his parents will not give him food so I have started collecting food to bring him from ward members and neighbors. Love and miss you!
First of all, I have to tell you that this is so beautifully written. You are a writer, my dear friend. :)
Now, to the heart of it. Yes, I'd be willing to bet every one of your readers has felt inadequate as a mother, homemaker, and fashionista. I have... more than I'd care to admit. I have so many days, even now... now that my kids are all in school and I SHOULD have it all together... that I look around at my disaster of a house, with dirty laundry mixed in with the clean (yes, it happens to me too), with no ingredients to even attempt to make dinner, with a to-do list a mile long, wearing sweats, and I wonder if I will ever EVER find my way out of the mess.
If it makes you feel any better, years ago my son DID throw rocks at a truck. A parked truck. A souped up $50,000 truck. Multiple rocks. See... you feel better, huh? ;)
It sounds to me like you just had a "typical" Mom day, the kind that doesn't get raved about over the pulpit on Mother's Day or lovingly remembered by Hallmark, but the reality of being the mom. IT IS OK!! It will pass, more quickly than you want it to. They will be graduating from high school, going on missions and getting married. Then, you get the payoff...grandbabies!! You really do need to accept the love and help of those who care and LET them serve you. That's the hard part. We are raised to be self-sufficient and with the attitude of we can do it all, but the sad fact is, we CANNOT. The Savior and Heavenly Father knew this and sent us FRIENDS, FAMILY AND CHURCH MEMBERS as HIS hands. I myself have such a hard time remembering that. Don't worry about your blog, you have to have some way to "get it out", this seems fairly benign to me, instead of throwing dishes or something worse! Love you!
I can't believe your day??!! You are amazing Kristen!! I don't know how you do what you do. You are an amazing mother and wife. Don't let the world bring you down. I would love to go for a walk or a playdate at the park to talk. I know that feeling. Call me if you want to hang out I would LOVE to!! It gets a little lonely around here...
Kristen, Larry came in to our room to tell me goodbye before going to work at 6 this morning. He told me he had read this post and had written a nice long empathetic response only to have it lost in a cyber black hole! He and I want you to know that we love you and don't doubt for a minute that you are doing your best and that your Father in Heaven smiles down upon you! As Pres. Monson said once, all too soon the kids will be grown and gone and we'll miss the dirty laundry,etc! Sure love you, Josh,and the children!
Love you Kristen!
I've been there too. I have a neighbor kind of like the woman you described who has actually yelled at my kids while telling me what they had done. (Excuse me? You have NO right to talk to my kids - or me - that way.)
And, like you, I wouldn't trade it for anything, either. The good more than makes up for the bad, although those bad days are incredibly overwhelming.
For Eliza, have you read the book "On Becoming Babywise?" It tells how to get your baby on a schedule. I tried it with Connor, and whenever I notice that he's not sleeping well, we go back to the basics in this book and can get him back to sleeping better. You don't really have to read the whole book (I know time is precious) but it is worth the read, if only to give you some ideas.
Hang in there. You're a beautiful woman. Even on those days when sweats and yesterday's makeup are today's outfit. And a strong woman - especially on those days when you feel like falling apart. I know, because those days end, and at the end of those days our kids are fine (despite wanting to just wring their necks sometimes) and a new day is before us.
Those are the days when I sit down with them at bedtime, apologize for yelling (and possibly in the process of yelling, scaring them) and asking for forgiveness and the chance to do better. And, those are the times when I realize how special my little boys are, because they do forgive me, they hug me and love me, and it's all better.
Then, I usually go to bed and cry my eyes out. I used to dwell on those frustrating feelings of "How could I yell at my son like that? I'm so stupid." Instead, I'm trying to turn it around to "How can I do better and realize when I'm yelling at my son like that, and make myself stop." It's hard.
Again, hang in there. I think of so often, and pray for you always. Love you, Kristen!
(P.S. Sorry for the novel of a response, but this is something that I have struggled with for years and is very close to the surface for me.)
Life and mothering are such struggles. Even just the mundane, especially the mundane. You are a good mom, your boys are good boys and Eliza is a doll.
That woman though, is a piece of work. It seems there is always that awful lady or man there to make comments at our worst moments. She must not be a mother, or she doesn't remember that you can't do it all and be everywhere all at the same time. Not to mention that even well taught kids have free agency.
Hang in there! Give me a call, love ya!
That lady ought to have her arse kicked!!!!!!!! Really....who does that? That is rude and uncalled for and the truth of the matter is, she probably doesn't have it anymore together than the rest of us! Kristen you are not the only one who struggles with these facts of life....we all do and in your case things are a little more escalated and stressful than the norm. Don't be down on yourself! We all struggle with "motherhood" but all you can do is take it one day at a time and do what you can do! When it comes your time for the judgement seat the good Lord isn't going to care whether or not your house was clean everyday, or that your laundry was done....He's not even going to care if you wore your "fat pants" every day of your life! He has more important things to worry about....like the state of our hearts and souls....as long as you have that covered and teach your family the best you can, you are right on target! Keep up the good work!
I hope (and I bet) that woman left your house, got in her car, and felt regret for her hastiness. I'm not saying she didn't have the right to address the situation, if nothing else to ensure McKay's saftey (*I* know he would have been safe, but as a responsible adult, sure--stop and let the parent know), but I'm sure she later realized how judgmental and critical she sounded and it surely must have ruined the rest of her evening knowing she could have (should have) handled that in a better way.
On the flip side - GOOOOOOOOOOD FOOOOOORRRRR YOUUUUUU!!!!! I'm so glad you stood up for yourself. Preventing yourself to be a doormat and trampled upon is NEVER wrong. I see nothing inappropriate about what you said to her and you also continued to mend the situation by rightfully requiring your son to apologize. But I'm so pleased you only went that far with it and didn't grovel about how sorry you were and this and that (which is what too many of us do). KUDOS.
The fact that you could rant and rave and then close your post with a 180-turn, recognizing our greatest trials (our children) are also our greatest blessings and that the chaos, mess, and endless cycle of cleaning up is a part of the equation of life's most Divine and treasured joys, says to me that you ARE balancing it well. Remember, enduring doesn't mean solving the problem and living a "perfect" (by whose standards, by the way?) life...enduring means finding joy in the journey, finding humor in the midst of chaos and frustrationg, and happiness in the mundane. You've done that and in that accomplishment I'd say you're a step ahead of most people. So don't worry about finding balance. That's exactly what you've got, and girl, from all of us let me say you could NOT be doing it any better! You ROCK!
Well I know what I'll be doing tonight. Camping out on your road posed to throw rocks so that woman will pull over so I can give her a lecture on compassion! I'm sure she'll handle it fine seeing how she has no problem dishing them out. I'm so sorry this happened but want you to know that you ARE doing AMAZING!! I love you. I support you. I know that your boys are growing up to be wonderful young men. BOYS WILL BE BOYS!! I can't tell you how many windows were broke between my 4 brothers and the reality is that he didn't actually throw anything.
Okay I'll simmer down. I know you've probably come to terms with this but I just hope you know EVERYONE that reads your blog loves you and respects you!
I'll see you tonight with my bucket of rocks. :)
You are my hero! You are right - having them is so much better than not having them. I can only imagine that its frustrating, I really have no clue how much, but trust me, you are the recipient of manna from heaven. Women like this lady are lonely and unhappy!
Your post is an inspiration! Thank you for sharing. As moms we go through really really rough times, some that no one else ever knows about. As I read your post the thought, and you may have heard it a million times, came into my head. "This to shall pass". I have been going through a rough patch as well and even though I know I should cherish the moments when my kids are young I find myself looking to the future even if it is a just a couple hours away until my husband gets home or saying to myself "just three more weeks and I know this morning sickness will be gone and I can function again!. Kristen, you are a strong woman who is doing the best you can, don't let that lady get under your skin!
I am reading this as I sit in my sweats and still haven't showered. I have thought the same thing "I WANTED this???" Yes, I did. Hang in there! As Devin says, "the paychecks come later." I was thinking of you just yesterday. Hope the week goes better! -Elisa
Maybe, just maybe, that woman was supposed to be the help you needed. Maybe she's not in tune to the spirit enough to realize that SHE was the help you needed. One little word to McKay about being naughty with rocks, and standing out at the road might hav ebeen enough for her. shame on her for judging you w/o knowing. Lesson learned. I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself. Next time, slam the door RIGHT IN HER FACE!!!!!!!!!!
Kristen,
first of all, I know that I can't even fathom what you are going through!
I think about my own little family and there are many many days I feel just how your feeling today.
I recently had something very tramatic happen to me and I was feeling very sorry for myself.
But, I come and read your blog and I feel very humbled because I can't imagine the hardships your going through, so I want to thank you for sharing because it helps me to be greatful.
2nd, I wear sweat pants when ever I can and I'm a chubby bubby. You, however, look gorgeous! I saw your family picture!
3rd, I think we're surrounded by good and evil ALL the time and THAT WOMEN must have listened to her evil influences! HE hE I don't know...
Either way I know a good name for her and it go's really well with October, pointy hats, and brews.
Keep the hope.
Oh Kristen!! I envy mothers like you! You always seem so put together and are so patient with your kids! I cant even handle my 2 boys! I yell at them... A LOT!:( And yes my house does reek of wet puppy dogs, I mean little boys!! You are such a wonderful mother to your children! Shame on that rude, miserable lady that stopped and yelled at you! People like that are usually just hateful, bored and are out to hurt others so they feel her same missery! I am sure she NEVER made a mistake in parenting! I am sure her children NEVER did anything wrong....hahaha ya right! Either that or she never had children, so she couldnt possiably understand!! Kids will be kids! We cant be there for every decision they will make! All we can do is guide them best we can! By the way, I will see you friday(V teaching), I can already bet I will be in my sweats with yesterdays makeup on and hair not done! I will at least try to shower so I dont stink too bad;) Love you girl! You are truley amazing!!!
Wow! This is crazy. Sorry you had to deal with that! Joseph tells me stories about what he and his brothers did when they lived in Texas, and I cringe. Boys just have to learn the hard way on stuff like this. I'm sure McKay won't do this again! Supermom is a myth. We are all human, and you're doing a great job. I hope Eliza sleeps through the night soon!
Oh Kristen, I am SO in your same boat! Yesterday Ryan came home for lunch (which he never does). It was about noon and I was in my workout clothes, sweaty and gross. And I think I had even leaked a considerable amount of milk out of one side. The house was a mess, breakfast dishes still out, garbages that needed to be taken out, something smelly going on, yipes. I'm just saying that you have piles of laundry and to try and keep up with it all is impossible.
I too find it hard to "keep an eye" on my kids and try to actually get something done around the house.
That lady was on her high horse and truly did not show any compassion or understanding. She looked into your backyard? good grief. get a life woman.
You are a great mom. The most spiritual person I know. You are a great writer. You have a beautiful smile, and very pretty hair. I love your handwriting. You have a darling sense of style. You are organized. You are a master jello slurper. You were an amazing roommate.
There. There is a little boost for you.
Love you. Don't let this lady get you down. She has not been in your shoes, so don't take her words to heart. Brush it off and keep your head up.
Kristen everyone has felt that way if they are a mom. Once I went to Smiths and had Joleen in the car with me. I went around to get her out of the car and as I did she stuck her tonge out at a lady. I didn't see her do it. Well that lady told me I had a dirty naughty little girl and I should get a handle on her. I wanted to cry and did. People are rude and mostly it is becuase they have sad lifes. She must not have a life at all if she had the guts to say "well don't do it again".
What can I do for you?
I love you! Colette
That poor lady will have to make an accounting for the unkind way she treated you, so don't even worry about her. My pat. blessing says that my greatest joy will come from raising children and there have been many times, I'm ahamed to say, I have cried and thought "is this it, is this all?" I have felt jipped! In the right perspective, I understand exactly what that means, but in discouraging moments, well, you know, it doesn't sound like much. This may sound trivial because I have not really walked in your shoes fully, but you are normal and so are your feelings. We have all felt like you are feeling. enjoy those wonderful, active, funny, cute, precious little ones. You are a WONDERFUL, COURAGEOUS and FAITHFUL mother and wife and woman. Hang in there sweetie, and remember that there are angels watching over you, even if you don't always feel them around. Love you!!!!
I liked the idea of someone hanging out by your mailbox with a rock and luring the lady back to give her a lecture. If she only knew.
There have been quite a few times over the past couple of months that I have wondered if I should have tried to space my kids out more. . . Most days there is way too much chaos and not nearly enough attention to go around. And after six consecutive months of making it to the gym no more than once a month, it's time to seriously consider canceling my membership.
I get plenty of looks when we are in public and they are acting less-than-perfect. Most people assume our "fourth" is adopted. . . that we planned to add her to our family, that we thought we had our act together enough to add another kid. And, like many situations, ours is certainly not what it seems.
Thanks for the reminder that this is the life I want. Because after spending two long hours trying to get them all to sleep tonight sans my husband, who has worked some 80+ hours this week. . . I wasn't quite sure :)
My message is short, but quite sincere: I really just wish McKay avoided the car all together and threw the rock straight at the lady.
P.S. I'm sitting at my laptop eating ice cream right now... I have a full sink of dirty dishes, and laundry up to my eyeballs. Mothers deserve a break too. Please go eat some ice cream. :) Love you!
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