One year ago on April 2, Josh had brain surgery. Dr. Jensen (the neurosurgeon) confirmed what I had-- deep down-- already known. The tumor was cancer and we had a new life ahead of us. (P.S. Thanks to Joseph and Martha for this picture of Josh. Sorry I stole it off your blog. I L-O-V-E it)
The uncertainty has been (and sometimes is still) just as painful as the thought of losing my sweet husband. I kept telling myself if I just knew what was going to happen I could cope. I could deal with the whole situation better. I have struggled with fear and fought it with faith. There have been times that I must admit, I felt left alone. In hindsight, it was more because I wasn't getting the answers I felt I needed.
"I quit counting the hours I've prayed for answers. I keep on knocking but nobody hears me standing at the door..." (to be continued...)
As this week began, I knew (and it did) that my mind would spend a lot of time reflecting the emotional roller-coaster that I have partially shared with anyone who may (or for that matter, may not) be reading my blog. I have been grateful that conference was approaching and that we would have the opportunity to listen to the messages and testimonies that would in turn strengthen ours.
This morning when I woke up, I felt discouraged in my own health. My body ached and hurt everywhere and I couldn't help but make the comparison to the discouragement and ache my heart and (shamefully) my testimony have both experienced.
As I started listening to conference, my thoughts turned to the way each of us experience pain. Our mortal mission is to learn to the good from the bad. There is no way that we can feel joy if we have never felt pain. Our trials and pain are different, but the principle is the same. Each of us must turn to our Savior for healing. Our healing may be a relief from the pain. The healing may be the strength to sustain us through the pain.
My understanding has been that to have faith in Christ and in His power is to know that often our perception is very limited. We have to learn to take a step out of the comfort of the light into the darkness, extending faith that the light will follow.
"...Then through the shadows, beyond the clouds, a ray of light hits my window. I can't explain it, but I can feel it right in front of my eyes! That's when it happens. When you least expect it. When you feel like the storm will never end. That's when it happens, love breaks through the silence and Heaven surprises you-- When you least expect it." -Hilary Weeks
During the first session of conference, Elder Kent F. Richards spoke of faith. He said in partfff:
"None of us is immune from experiencing pain. I have seen people cope with it very differently. Some turn away from God in anger, and others allow their suffering to bring them closer to God.... The Savior is not a silent observer.... Sometimes in the depths of pain we are tempted to ask, 'Is there no balm of Giliad?'... Do we have to earn His love and help?... He healed all that came to Him. None were turned away. Sometimes a healing cures us.... Sometimes we are healed by understanding, strength, and patience to bear the burden.... Our pain can be swallowed up by his healing balm...."
(You can hear Elder Richard's talk in it's entirety HERE)
Even more than the healing and metaphors formulated in my mind as I watched a short film for a third time. (Thank you Joleen) This time I watched the video with Josh and McKay. I am going to spare you the parallels I made between the film and our lives, but please indulge me by taking the time to watch the film. Compare your life's challenges with those of the "limbless man." Pay particular attention to the circus' ring master, his compassion, his "tough" love, and the way he is able to see beyond the "limbless man's" limited view. Take note of the symbolic butterfly. You will not be disappointed.
The Butterfly Circus 2009 by xavi10m
7 comments:
I truly can not believe it has been a year....and you are so blessed to have your sweet husband there with you as you reflect on the changes that have happened.
my prayers are always with you guys. thank you as always for the faith filled messages :)
Oh my... I have tears streaming down my face. Thanks so much for sharing!
Awesome posts! Thanks for sharing! You are very spiritual and wise!
You are so much in my thoughts and prayers. I loved conference and hoped and prayed you found some peace. He is there to hold you. You and Josh are handling this life lesson so VERY well and you are my hero's. I love you!
I love you so much! Keep pushing!
I know your testimony, which has always been strong, has grown leaps and bounds. It has had no choice! It's hard to notice our muscles getting stronger as we climb a mountain because they hurt so much, aching and all, they are growing, just as in subtle and strong ways, your testimony is.
I have always appreciated your strength and sincerity. I cannot read the account of the loaves and the fishes without thinking of the address you gave in Stake Conference so many years ago in the Taylor chapel. I remember how it opened my eyes so much to how the Savior's parables really do teach us, I remember feeling that I wanted to be able to live worthy to be able to recieve insight and revelation into the scriptures as you had that could carry the Spirit into the hearts of others. I was also deeply touched by the message of what you shared, that we may bring all we have to the Lord, knowing it is not sufficient but nevertheless, our best and our all, and He will magnify, multiply, and bless it for our good and the good of others.
You truly are a remarkable woman. I think of you very often and pray for you and yours just as much.
I love the Hilary Weeks song. So many times when I have been discouraged or struggling, her music has been the answer to my prayers. That song in particular has helped me so much. I am glad you have something that lifts you at times also. I was telling someone about your family today and I want you to know how much you are admired and loved. You are such examples to the rest of us. Thank you!
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