Help Me to Believe

A new worry has plagued my mind. Well, not just one... I am also worried about GBM in the spine (once again, too much googling) but there is just one that I seriously need to address. My boys.
They are smart. They know what is going on. They understand that their dad is sick and that he has a tumor. They know that he goes to Salt Lake for medicine. They also know that sometimes people die.  Ever since Josh had his first seizure (yes, he has had another since my last post) the boys keep making comments and asking questions about if their dad is dying or going to die.
How do you answer that? I have told them that he is going to be okay, but I know that isn't good enough because all three of them keep commenting. For example:

• Kimball was emotional tonight. He was worried that his dad would keep having seizures and that he would die before we could go on vacation. He said, "He is our very first dad, and we don't want another dad." 
• On the day Josh had his second seizure (last Tuesday) McKay asked, "Is Dad going to die because Heavenly Father needs him like he needed Josh Graham?" (Josh Graham was a friend, our bishop, and my boss. We all loved Josh and miss him)
• Friday after I drove Josh to work, Benson must have forgotten that we had taken Daddy to work because he was looking for him and said, "Where's Dad? Did he die?"

The truth is Josh and I both have decided that we must accept whatever the Lord's will and understand that in doing so, we will be able to find the peace and strength we need to be able to endure. Josh is better than me. I just want answers. I don't like feeling like things are up in the air. However, I KNOW that I have felt the quiet peace that comes from knowing the Lord is in charge and no matter the outcome everything will be alright.
As adults, with a life of experiences, we still struggle to understand that this life is given to us, and that we need to be okay with just letting go. So, how do you explain that to little boys? They are smart, yes. They have felt the Spirit. I know they have. I have been privileged to witness their sweet experiences. But they are still little boys. I wish that I could protect them from the harsh reality that we are facing. There are no concrete answers that we can give them. No absolutes in one direction or the other. Just that we are doing everything we can, but that ultimately it is up to Heavenly Father. Ultimately, Heavenly Father knows how their dad can best help these boys grow into righteous, stalwart, honorable men (which is something we pray for daily). Heavenly Father can work mighty miracles. He can see the big picture, and we are given so little and must extend our faith. It seems like such a hard lesson, a burden really, that doesn't seem fair to place on little boys.
So tonight, I am contemplating the best way to be honest and fair but to somehow protect them.  We have plans to discuss it for Family Home Evening. I guess I have about 16-17 hours to figure out what the Lord would have me teach them.
When I was in seminary, I had an awesome teacher. Brother Kunz wrote lots of songs and used them in his lesson plans. The songs he wrote all had stories behind them. The one going through my head tonight was about a family who had a son injured in a terrible car accident. To the best of my memory (which may not be so great, given that it is nearly 2 am), the lyrics go something like this:

Help Me to Believe

As I kneel beside his bed, I think about the blessing on his head.

They were the words my Father gave to me. Help me to believe.

I know he hears and answers prayers, when we call him he is always there.

He promised miracles would never cease. Help me to believe.

And help me to put my trust in Thee. Hear my plea, please comfort me.

And help me see-- Miracles never cease. Help me to believe.

As I see him sitting there, I know his life is in our Father's care.

In his eyes I see his faith is complete. Help me to believe.

If I knelt at Jesus feet, He could heal my son so easily.

But I know his power works through me. Help me to believe.

And help me to put my trust in Thee. Hear my plea, please comfort me.

And help me see-- Miracles never cease. Help me to believe.

SIDENOTE: Hmm... I can't remember the rest. I tried to google it to see if I could find the lyrics. (I am getting really good at googling these days.) I just found out that he is teaching at BYU-Idaho. That's awesome. It sounds like his students enjoy his style of teaching as much as I did. One of the quickest ways to invite the spirit is through music, and he did that so often in our seminary classes. Anyway, that song is from his CD, I Believe. 

Tonight, I feel like I am praying and pleading with the Lord to help me put my trust where it belongs: with Him. I am praying for comfort and faith. I am praying for the strength I need to be able to share it with my boys. I want to help them have faith, not fear. I am praying for the enabling power of the atonement to help me do something that I would not be able to do if left to my own means.  

Just so you know what REALLY happened.

Ok, I don't know exactly how I feel about posting right now, but I feel like I need to.
Let's be honest. We live in a small town on the corner of a super busy street. It's no surprise that the word spread like wildfire that we had an ambulance, a paramedic truck and a Uintah County Sheriff at our house on Tuesday morning. It was just before 8am. Just in time for people to be headed to work and dropping their kids off at school. I know that most people are sincerely concerned and we really do appreciate the love and support, so... let's set the record straight.
Josh was getting ready to head out the door to a meeting for work when he said, "Oh no!" and then hit the floor. I barely had time to ask him what was wrong when he was trying to tell me to call 911.
Stupid phone was not on the jack and I panicked looking for it. I actually don't even remember where I found it before I was dialing and rushing back to Josh.
By this time McKay and Benson had clued in to the fact that something was wrong and they followed me into our room where Josh was lying on the floor having a seizure. The woman who answered my 911 call asked me to have someone meet the paramedics at the door. I panicked because I didn't want to leave my husband and I didn't want to send my kids to the door either.
I immediately started calling the most recent calls on my cell phone.
I tried to call my mom. No answer. Must have been driving.
I tried to call my sister. No answer.
I tried Toni. Thank you Toni for answering and rushing out the door.
It's all kind of a blur but it felt like it lasted forever. Josh was conscious the entire time he was seizing and said that it was a scary almost out-of-body experience because he was totally out of control of his body.
I just remember McKay and Benson kneeling at his head asking me if he was dying. I told them that he wasn't, but actually I had a this picture in my mind of the tumor seeping into the channels of his brain and spreading itself further and deeper. I was afraid he was dying too. I wasn't even convinced it was a seizure because it almost looked like a stroke. Only the right side of his body was shaking and the muscles were contracted and pulling at his limbs and face. We said a prayer. McKay was trying not to cry, and he said, "I don't want to say it Mom, you say it." So I did.
Finally the paramedics arrived and at some point Toni and my sister got there. Not sure if it was before or after the paramedics or maybe at the same time. Hmmm... I realize now that I am not sure how my sister knew to come. I had tried her cell but got no answer. Note to self: Must ask Emily how she knew to come.
After somehow farming out my kids and while knowing they were in good hands, and hoping that they (and those taking care of them) would be alright, I went out to follow the ambulance to the hospital. I waited for a minute in the truck and then wondered what was taking them so long. I went to check on Josh. I found them trying to place an IV. Poor Josh. They weren't having very much success and Josh actually got sick and threw up while they were trying to get the IV in this place and that. I guess all the stress from the seizure and everything made him nauseous and it didn't help to have them miss a vein and try for another over and over.
We finally made it to the ER where they decided it would be best to find out from the specialists at the Huntsman Cancer Institute that Josh has been seeing, what they wanted him to do. So after several hours in the ER, he was sent home with anti-seizure medication and we planned to follow up with the specialists.
So on Wednesday, we went to his regular infusion (which is for a study group that he is part of). The nurse practitioner over Neuro-Oncology came to talk to us and said that she thought he would be fine to wait until his next scheduled MRI. We weren't I told her I didn't think it was alright to leave the hospital with no answers. Especially since he had never had a seizure up until that point. She argued that maybe he was over tired. I argued back that he has been plenty tired since he started treatment and it didn't seem likely that just now his body would react by seizing. When Josh said that he would much rather be pro-active, she agreed to schedule an MRI for us. However it wouldn't be until the end of the day and so we would have to make the decision to either stay another night, or to go home. We decided to stay in case we needed to be here Thursday.
Just as we were making the decision, we heard back that we would need to be back on Thursday morning to discuss with members of the tumor board what do do next. His tumor has grown. We don't know yet by how much, since we just got a phone call tonight. I guess tomorrow will be more telling.
Until then, I just keep reminding myself that the image I saw in my mind during his seizure was preparation. Even though the Lord may not answer prayers the way we want them answered, they are always answered in our best interest according to His eternal perspective. We will be ok. Things will be fine. Josh is great and has a really good attitude about it all. Deep inside, I know that now matter what, it will be ok. It's just scary and hard to hear what we heard. Too many things go through my mind. Too many "what ifs" and unknowns are floating around in my head.
In the Book of Mormon it says that murmuring is to disbelieve. I am trying to not murmur. I am trying to be strong like Josh.