Look for evidence

This post has been a long time coming. It has been a nearly 3 month work-in-progress; written, rewritten, edited and deleted. Hopefully I can make the point I need to make. I have had the impression repeatedly that I should post, but have struggled with the whole making-myself-more-vulnerable issue.
I will start with a little background:
I am not sure if I ever mentioned that Josh made the decision to go on long-term disability. We weren't sure exactly how it would work out for him to be working the long hours he needed to work. We prayed. We went to the temple. We talked to his doctor. We talked to his boss. We made the decision, felt good about it and went forward with it. We weren't necessarily happy with the circumstance, because let's be honest: living on a fraction of a regular income is not ideal. But we felt like Heavenly Father was directing us, and we were extending our faith. 
The Lord's hand was again manifest in our decision quickly. Josh started having seizures more frequently. About mid-November he had a seizure last for over 20 minutes. Just after Thanksgiving he had another one that lasted for over 30 minutes. He was taken by ambulance to the Huntsman Hospital where we stayed for three days. The main purpose for his stay was to ensure that 1: he didn't continue to have seizures and 2: that he would regain the strength and coordination he lost during the seizure. 
During that stay, we found out that his tumor was growing. They decided to put him back on Temodar (the oral chemotherapy he had taken before). He completed one five-day cycle. A month later, we went back for more tests. The tumor was still progressing. They decided to change the Temodar cycle to 21 days on 7 off. Another month later, more progression. They decided to add an Avastin infusion every other week. After two infusions they expect to see tumor response. The good news was that there was no new tumor growth, but the bad news was that they expected to see less enhancement in the MRI and it was unchanged (suggesting that the tumor response to the Avastin is minor). Still, the plan is to continue with the 21-day Temodar cycle and Avastin infusions. We have another appointment with the neuro-oncology team on March 15.  Before that appointment, Josh will finish one round of Temodar, start another, and travel to Salt Lake twice for Avastin infusions. 
Just before Josh went on diability, I had been struggling with the Multiple Sclerosis therapy I was taking called Avonex. I was literally sick in bed for 1-2 days every week with flu-like symptoms (including a fever that often went to 104 degrees). I felt like new MS symptoms crept up every 4-6 weeks. I was so tired of being sick. I didn't feel like I had time to be sick. My job is to take care of my family of four small children and a husband with stage IV brain cancer. Who can do that from bed? I made the decision to try something new. I went to Mexico for alternative treatment and as an answer to my constant pleading to Heavenly Father:  I found relief.  I also ended up having three surgeries at the end of the year. One surgery involved three procedures that can stand alone as their own surgeries, and the other two were pretty intense, major surgeries. They were medically necessary, and at this point I am much better having had them. I am convinced the treatment I received in Mexico helped me keep my head above water and to not completely crash with an MS relapse. Many MS patients spiral out of control after having one surgery, let alone three. Then, in January, I started to experience some new symptoms but quickly underwent IV steroid therapy to buy me time until I can go to Mexico again. (Judge me if you will, but I am telling you-- I COULD NOT function before I went to see Dr. Calzada in Mexico). 
Now, having said all that we have experienced all the feelings you might expect and maybe more. I have had moments where I felt so exhausted from worry about what might happen to my husband that I   literally feel like there is nothing left. I realize the reason why people list all the things cancer cannot take away is because there are times when it feels like it takes EVERYTHING else.  Everything.
It probably sounds like I am complaining. I am not. The very experiences that break me down take me to my knees in prayer. I know that this life was meant to be a test. It is a probationary period for each of us to experience heartache and joy. I am not so naive to believe that we are the only people experiencing adversity. I know that each of us are children of the same Heavenly Father who loves us and watches over us.
He prepares the way for us to do hard things. The way may not be clear. Sometimes I feel like we are walking in the dark. But if I have found that if I really take the time to look at what is around us, I can find the beauty and joy in the journey. I see the Christlike compassion all around us, I see the small and tender mercies that I may have otherwise overlooked. Evidences of our Father's love is all around us. I have been thinking about this a lot, especially when I get down. I have a few minutes or maybe hours or even days of being upset, but every time I start looking for my blessings I am overwhelmed by the way I can feel His arms around me. I feel it in the sunrise, the giggles and wiggles in my four children, the rise and fall of my husband's chest when he holds me in his arms, the quiet reassurances reminding me that He is in charge.
Just today I got news that really upset me. I was mad, scared, sad and then exhausted again. Exhausted because it is just something new to worry about and that is completely out of our hands. I felt edgy and every little thing just made me want to go crazy. Josh, in his calmer and more rational perspective reminded me that Satan's goal is to keep us angry and upset because then we are not open to recognizing the Spirit or the Lord's hand guiding us through this test. I will be honest. I didn't want to hear it at first. I just wanted him to validate my feelings.
But, Josh is right. In order to make it through this life, we can't afford to waste our time and energy on anger over something that cannot be changed. It is alright to be upset and to admit that it is hard and that we, in our imperfect state don't want to wade through our adversity. But ultimately, we can't afford to let fear overshadow our faith. Our Father will not leave any of us comfortless. Not one.

Ten years and counting on Forever

On December 22, Josh and I celebrated our 10th anniversary. We didn't plan any huge vacation or anything, because... well, it's three days before Christmas, and circumstances aren't really ideal in our lives right now for a big vacation. Not to mention the time we have to be away from our kids for appointments anyway. I am thankful, however, to have our 10th anniversary documented with pictures that my good friend, Briana took for us.

(See her work at her website: www.brianamariephotos.com, 

and the blog post with our pictures here)

No matter what this year brings, we will ALWAYS have these 10 years. We will ALWAYS have our four babies. We will ALWAYS have each other even if we can't be together in body. Our faith in our temple sealing is strong and we are confident that Heavenly Father keeps his promises. Josh ordered this temple picture to hang in our home so that our boys and Eliza will always remember that the temple is what enables our family to be together forever. I just took the picture with my computer, but you get the idea, right?

We haven't had a chance to hang it yet. I need to rearrange a lot pictures on my walls, but it's such a commitment (once you go to the work of hanging it, you don't want to have rehang, right?). Anyway, I hope that it will be up soon and my sons and Eliza will see it everyday and KNOW that their parents were married in the temple for a reason, that they attend the temple often for a reason, that Josh works as an ordinance worker two days a week for a reason. Our faith is centered in Christ, and part of that involves the covenants we made in the temple. To learn more about our faith in Christ click here. To learn more about our dedication and faith in our temple covenants including our sealing, click here.

Magic Christmas

We love Christmas. We love decorating, shopping, watching Christmas movies and listening to Christmas  music.
This year we were so blessed to have someone anonymously do the 12 days of Christmas for us. My boys were so excited to see what new part of the nativity came every night. Someone else also gave each of our kids stockings full of fun! I mention this merely to thank whoever the Christmas Angels were and to let you know that we sincerely appreciate it. Our kids even thanked you in their prayers. It is hard to know how to best express gratitude to an anonymous act of kindness, I am hoping whoever it is will read this post.
Santa visited our house after all the Christmas Eve traditions and PJs and bedtime. Here they are opening their new Christmas jammies. Eliza wasn't as interested. She just wanted to get her paci and nigh-nigh (blanket).

I am fairly confident he left our house around 2:30 am, and at 3:00 Kimball was waking his brothers up worried that they were late! Here are the boys excited to see that Santa must have gotten their letters, and that, "phew!" the good must have outweighed the bad. (They really did say that!)

After a couple of hours they were ready to open presents, but I told them they had to wait until after church. They were really good sports and it was so much fun to watch them play with their toys and indulge in the magic of Christmas. 

Eliza slept late and we had to wake her up to go to church, so she didn't see what Santa brought until after sacrament meeting, even though she didn't feel great she was SO excited! This is the ONLY smiling picture I have fro her on Christmas morning. 

My boys just knew they had to put their Christmas jammies on to open presents, so after church they rushed up to change and then when Grammy and Papa got here, we opened presents.

Because Eliza was not feeling great so she wasn't super interested in opening all her presents. She only opened a few and then just wanted to play with what she opened. This cute little baby my mom gave her was among her favorites. It plays peek-a-boo and calls her mommy. She gets a kick out of it.

I took tons of pictures, but so many of them are similar that I am just going to put these up. I hope that the rest of you had a great Christmas and that you have been able to carry that joy with you into the new year! Love, The Baumgartens

Seven and Snuggley

I have a Josh update-in-draft, but it is much easier to write about fun things like McKay's birthday and Christmas. Truth be told, McKay's birthday is spread out over the whole month. We went to Pizza Hut, had presents and a movie for his party early in the month and then he had cupcakes and presents from Grammy and Auntie Em on his birthday (because Josh and I were at the Huntsman). Then Matt and Tamara came and we had cake and ice cream and another present from them! Thanks to Matt and Tamara for coming! It was really fun to have you here!

When McKay was born I was a little worried that having a birthday two days after Christmas would be hard and that it would get lost in the shuffle. Well, it is hard in some respects. But, we really celebrate all month long. Hopefully that makes up for it a little and he feels loved and important, although I am not sure if it's the right way or not. Josh REALLY wanted to make McKay's birthday cake, so he asked McKay what he wanted. McKay said he wanted a layered chocolate cake with chocolate chips and gummy worms... here's how it turned out:

McKay was so excited to see the worms "crawling out of the cake" and Josh really worked hard on it. The fine motor skills it took for Josh to accomplish this were challenging and ultimately resulted in a seizure, but he was SO proud of it and SO happy that McKay was ecstatic about it. 

We also recently watched his "baby video" and enjoyed talking about our thoughts and feelings when he was born. We had to discuss the topic of his arm, of course, but it didn't change the special night we had putting our arms around him and thanking him for coming to our family and expressing our love for him. 

McKay turned seven and boy is he seven! He has outgrown most of the pants I got him for school clothes (Before some of them got holes in the knees!--This is monumental at our house!)  and he is a good helper and responsible. He is concerned for those around him. He LOVES to play spies, superheroes, hot wheels, Lego's, remote control cars and helicopters. He loves playing with their newish guinea pigs named Harry and Hermione (remember that Benson is part Harry?) He is reading and enjoying most things in first grade, except for homework (ugh, help me).  One of the best things about McKay is that he is my snuggly boy. I can always count on him to give me a love or snuggle up next to me on the couch or at church. I love it. I hope he never grows out of it. 

I posted on Facebook on his birthday that I can't believe he is seven, but that it is hard to imagine what our family was like BEFORE he was born. He is just such a warm presence in our family. We LOVE our sweet McKay! This picture by Mindy Smith is one of my recent favorites of McKay. I love pictures  of all three boys together because they NEED each other. They are really close, good buddies. It doesn't take long for one of them to notice if someone is gone and wonder when they will be back. Oh what would I do without my little men? Just in case you aren't sure from left to right: McKay (7), Benson (4), Kimball (8).

Waiting on the Lord

A couple of months ago, while Josh and I went to the temple, I had been praying for peace. Praying for understanding, insight, or anything. I had started to feel like my faith was wearing thin and I worried about so many different things. Throughout our time in the temple, my interest and attention peaked as I realized that when we are waiting on the Lord is the exact time that Satan does his best to have his way with us. He knows that if we let ourselves sink into despair, depression and fear we will be less likely to recognize the Spirit and His quiet whisperings. It is his opportunity to draw us away from our Heavenly Father. We have to actively and faithfully wait on the Lord, remembering that He will be there, He will answer, He will keep His promises.

I realized that I was allowing myself to become discouraged while waiting on the Lord. I feel like so much has gone on, and it gets exhausting. It's like treading water-- just doing your best to keep your head above the water-- but never resting. Never.

Have you ever felt like that? I knew that the thoughts and impressions I had were an answer to my prayers. There was no angelic visitation or flash of lightening, just quiet thoughts inspired by the quiet peace the temple brings. It wasn't necessarily the answer I was looking for, but it was the answer I needed. The reassurance that if I continued to wait on the Lord, the Lord would continue to watch over me, care for me, love me.

Soon after my experience in the temple, Elder Hales gave a talk in conference called  "Waiting upon the Lord: Thy Will Be Done"  My attention peaked when in his opening statement he said "During the past few months I have had the opportunity to study and learn more about the Savior's atoning sacrifice." I knew it was going to be a good talk, and one that I should listen too. Emotions were raw as he continued speaking of the Savior, His trials and the way he waited on the Lord, and then Joseph Smith, his trials and the way he waited on the Lord. I am ashamed to say that I quickly forgot most of his talk as the day and week went on. I realized I needed to go back and read what it was that struck my heart. I learned more, and made a point to commit it to my memory.

I have read the talk several times since then, and have been reading it again today. I needed it. Desperately. The part that has been the most helpful is as follows:

"...why such terrible tribulation? To what end? For what purpose? As we ask these questions, we realize that the purpose of our life on earth is to grow, develop and be strengthened through our own experiences. How do we do this? The scriptures give us an answer in one simple phrase: we 'wait upon the Lord'....  Does this mean we will always understand our challenges? Won't all of us, sometime, have reason to ask, 'O God, where art thou?' Yes! when a spouse dies, a companion will wonder. When financial hardship befalls a family, a father will ask. When children wander from the path, a mother and father will cry out in sorrow. Yes, 'weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.' Then, in the dawn of our increased faith and understanding, we arise and choose to wait upon the Lord saying, 'Thy will be done.'"

Later today, Josh was talking with his parents. His mom rehearsed a scripture she had been memorizing and felt relevant to our current situation. Isaiah 40:31:

"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary, and they shall walk, and not faint."

She didn't know how relevant it really was for me. I was too emotional to say anything.

And then this video from one of my dearest friends' blog:



I bet some of you wish that I would write about something different for a change. I am sorry. I don't mean for this blog to become a place to cope. I guess that is what it is for now. Mostly, I want to write down things that I think about or to work out what is on my mind. It is healing. I hope it can be helpful to someone else at some point. Meanwhile, my three sons plus one all still exist. They are wonderful and great and completely blog worthy. I am just not "there." Part of me wants to keep somethings to ourselves worried that maybe it's been "too much" for us and for all of you.

For now, this is what I need to write down. I remember a talk from Elder Bednar when I was at Ricks. He said that if we wanted to be able to recognize the Spirit, we needed to write things down when we knew we had. So... here I am. Writing it down.

Beautiful Heartbreak

I realize this blog is neglected. I fully admit that it has been intentional. The reasons are my own. Tonight, I cannot remain silent. If one person reads this blog and feels even a morsel of what I feel tonight, right now, I feel like it's worth making myself vulnerable sharing a bit of my (albeit thread-bare) personal strength (if you can call it that).
Anyone who may have read my blog posts in the past, may be aware of my gravitation to inspirational music. It somehow heals my heart. Considering that a song of the righteous is a prayer (D&C 25) I guess this should be no surprise.
Our lives have been disrupted on several occasions throughout our married life. Not that it is any more than anyone else walking through this mortal probation, but it has been maybe a little more public. At least recently.
Our hearts have been broken. We have cried. We have worried. We have been afraid. But part of this life is to experience that everything has it's opposite. As broken as our hearts were, we have felt the healing balm of the atonement. We have felt the insurmountable joy in the good news of the gospel. We have felt undeniable, tangible peace from the Comforter. We have felt our faith increase. We have seen the beauty in our heartbreak.
I know we can be built and drawn close to our Father through all our experiences. We endure trials only minute by minute, having faith that Christ actually did what he said he did and that great act is enough to see us through. We can see, even in the midst of our heartbreak, how beautiful it really is.

How Firm a Foundation?

This life is filled with so much turmoil, trial and suffering. Look all around you: your own life, your family, your friends, your neighbors and associates. You hear of some new heartache everyday. There is sadness, anger, stress and frustration at every level in each of our lives.
Yesterday I felt like life was too hard. I was angry and mad that with all we have been dealt we have a new  worry to add to our list of what-do-we-do-next. I sincerely wondered if there was something that was wrong in our lives that we aren't seeing. I began to let my fear drown faith. I even told my dad that I had no more faith left. He lovingly told me that wasn't true and that I did.
I was so upset that I let it affect the way I spoke to my children. They had done nothing wrong. They were only being little boys. I am ashamed that they had to ask what they had done wrong and why I was mad at them. My poor babies. They deserve better. They deserve a lot better. Amidst all the turmoil that they certainly know about, they deserve to have a calm and loving mother remind them how much they are loved. I prayed for forgiveness.
A simple and yet very tender mercy reminded me that Heavenly Father is still there. He still loves us. He knows what we are going through. He knows it's hard, but has still blessed us.
I am thankful for a friend who is calm and quiet enough in her own life to hear the quiet promptings of the Spirit. I was reminded to search out peace by firmly placing my feet down and refusing to give in.

"For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid..."