McKay and preschool

I don't usually like to post more than one thing in a day, but McKay's preschool program was the same day as Kimball's birthday. All the pictures were on the same card to upload to my computer. We had a lot going on that whole weekend, but it was so much fun to watch McKay and his friends show off their awesome academic skills! His preschool teachers were the best and I am so glad that he was able to go and LOVE every minute of it. On the way to school on the first day, McKay started to get anxious about his arm and didn't want to go because he said he was afraid people would laugh at him. I talked to him about how he could just tell them that is how Heavenly Father sent him and that it made him special. He was quiet but agreed to go to school. I guess later that day he was really good to explain to those who asked about his arm and has NEVER let it slow him down. He is super excited to go to Kindergarten next year, but is even more excited to go swimming and camping this summer. So, anyway, here are some pictures from the program:

Seven years in a blink

Somehow, I blinked and my little boy turned seven! I can't believe how grown up he is. He even calls his brothers, "the kids." Hahaha. While he is super busy and active, (having been diagnosed ADHD) he is a really good boy. He was able to make it through Kindergarten as one of the best readers in his class, and his teacher told me several times that he was good to take other kids under his wing. I am still anxious about all-day long school next year with first grade, but hopefully he will have a teacher as amazing as this year and he will continue to love every minute of school. (As long as they stay on schedule, that is!) Kimball loves to do things that make me happy. He worries and watches out for his brothers, and loves to sing to Eliza about how he is going to love her and protect her. He has such a gentle and soft heart. I don't know what I would do with out my Kimball.

For his birthday, he invited some friends from school and church. This first picture is the M&M game. It was hilarious watching the boys try to suck up the candy with a straw and drop it in the next cup. Spit was everywhere. Gross, but funny.

Another game we played was to see who could blow the biggest bubble. Umm, I didn't really think about how many of them might not be able to blow bubbles, but it was funny watching them try.

Since a trampoline isn't a very good Christmas gift, for obvious weather reasons, we decided that we would do it for Kimball's birthday. McKay and Benson's birthdays are both in the winter, so Kimball's birthday is really the best time to do it. The boys have been in HEAVEN with a trampoline to go crazy on.

We had a family movie night with popcorn, junior mints, and Shrek Twinkies! Kimball was dying to try the twinkies after he saw a box with Shrek and that the cream was green. I think he was a little disappointed when it just tasted like a normal twinkie.

HAPPY SEVENTH BIRTHDAY KIMBALL

Just a picture or two...

My friend Mindy came over to take pictures of Eliza and brought the CD over last night. It's probably a good thing that Blogger is taking forever to upload the pictures, otherwise I would just want to share all of them!!! Thank you Mindy for being so sweet and spending so much time on these! I love them.
To see more of Mindy's talent, check out her blog: www.melindasmithphotography.blogspot.com
Anyway, after my last post, this one is a good, happy one! Enjoy these pictures of Eliza.

       

Labor day makes me cry

I realize that lately my posts have been really personal, and I don't blame anyone who would maybe prefer to not read my blog and all of my emotional ramblings. Still, writing is a good way for me to sort through my feelings, and this post is especially one of those. So... you've been warned and if you just want to close the window and move on to the next blog, that's fine. 

Don't get me wrong.  Eliza has been a really good baby and, being two weeks old, has only had a few "bad" nights.  I just wish that I would sleep soundly. I wake up worrying why she isn't awake. I am crazy, I know.  Last night, however, was one of her "bad" nights. Not that it was bad per se, she wasn't fussy at all. She was just wide awake from 2:00 until 5:00. Right after she drifted to sleep, the dog was crying to get out. I tried to ignore her, but really? Have you ever tried to ignore a crying dog? A yappy one no less? Annoying. So I let Kitty out sometime before 5:30. I remember looking at the clock around that time and then must have fallen asleep until 6:30 when the kids woke up. Uh! I am so tired today. 

And (as I am so good at doing) I digress. My point was to say that in the late night hours and early morning hours when I am being crazy and awake or whether I am awake with Eliza, I have quiet time to think. Because I saw this picture of Josh for the first time in months yesterday, I was thinking about how much has changed since this picture was taken on Labor Day. 

(I had to scan it in, but love this picture because it just looks like Josh. Not just physically, but just the feel of the picture is Josh to me. The smile on his face and the way he is sitting relaxed and happy-- it emanates his personality.)

As I was thinking, I just couldn't help but cry. Part of me has faith that everything will be alright, part of me is scared, and part of me just wishes that things would go back to the way they were on Labor Day when this picture was taken. 

So, all day, I have been thinking and wishing we could go back in time and feeling guilty for feeling that way. We have so much to be thankful for. I know that. I know that we have been blessed with more than we will ever be able to repay or adequately express gratitude. Still, I just couldn't stop looking at this picture. Every time, I tear up and all those feelings come rushing back.  Indulge me, if you will, and read the lyrics to this song by Hillary Weeks. (I tried to find a link to the music, but couldn't find a free download, and I am not tech-savvy enough to download it from my own CD.) 

I believe that everything happens for a reason

We're not just tossed by the wind or left in the hands of fate

But sometimes life sends a storm that's unexpected

And we're forced to face our deepest pain

When I feel the heartache begin to pull me under 

I dig my heels in deep and I fight to keep my ground

Still at times the hurt inside grows stronger

And there's nothing I can do but let it out

Just let me cry

I know it's hard to see

But the pain I feel

Isn't going away today

Just let me cry

Till every tear has fallen

Don't ask when and don't ask why

Just let me cry

When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me

I understood that there would be a chance that it would break

But I know He knows exactly how I'm feeling 

And I know in time He'll the pain away

But for now

Just let me cry

I know it's hard to see

But the pain I feel

Isn't going away today

Just let me cry

Till every tear has fallen

Don't ask when and don't ask why

Just let me cry

I have felt joy the kind that makes my heart want to sing

And so my tears are not a surrender

I'll feel that way again 

But for now

For this moment

Just let me cry

I know it's hard to see

But the pain I feel

Isn't going away today

Just let me cry

Till every tear has fallen

Don't ask when and don't ask why

Just let me cry

I believe that everything happens for a reason

A new one to love

I can't believe that Eliza is 12 days old and I am just barely blogging about her! I also know that so many of you have already seen a lot of the pictures that I have of her from the hospital, so I tried to pick some that were different. Feel free to skip over my ramblings and just look at the pictures of my oh-so-cute kids!

Eliza was born on Saturday, May 8 at 9:00 on the dot. As I am sure every mom feels when they see their baby for the first time, I was so overwhelmed with love and gratitude for her that I felt like she and I were the only two in the room. Anyone who has had a c-section knows how awkward it is being strapped to the table and trying to get a good look at your baby from across the room. It is kind of frustrating that you can't really hold your baby because you are being put back together, but like I said it felt for a few moments that she and I were the only ones in the room. I know there were nurses taking care of her, but I can't really remember even seeing them. Dr. Williams asked what we were naming her, and I was so happy to tell him Eliza Christine. Eliza, as you know is after Eliza R Snow, and means an oath, covenant or gift of God. Christine, is after my Grandpa Mac's mother Emma Christine, and means bearer or disciple of Christ. 

(Each of our kids have a family name and a name that is significant to the Church. We wanted their names to mean something and to be after people whom they could look up to and hopefully pattern their lives after. The boys names are: Joshua Kimball, John McKay, and Benson Mac)

Anyone who has ever tried to take pictures of my boys, know that this picture is typical. It is so hard to get them to look at the camera, hold still, and give you a decent smile. They were so excited to come see their baby sissy, and my mom got them these cute "Big Brother" hats. They were chewing on little pink bubble gum "cigars." Although, my mom didn't tell them they were cigars, (they wouldn't even know what that was anyway) she told them that when babies are born, people chew bubble gum!!! Haha! They were cute and loved their little treat from Grammy.

Eliza has been such a good baby and even though I have had a few bad nights here and there, I can't complain because she is such a sweet, sweet baby. When I hold her up to my chest she snuggles right into the same little spot on either side of my face and it melts my heart. I am so thankful for our little baby girl and so thankful for the bond that she and I already share. 

Honestly, I was upset about the timing of everything. I was excited to have a baby but upset that she couldn't come three months ago or in three months. Just so that he birth wouldn't be surrounded by all this cancer business and so that I wouldn't be trying to recover from a c-section at the same time Josh was receiving treatment. It is so hard to feel like I want to be in Salt Lake with Josh, but I want to be at home taking care of my kids, and because I have to have a c-section I can't really do either. 

I worried that because I was so frustrated about the timing of everything that some of that frustration (as bad as it sounds) would interfere with building a relationship with her. Of course, it hasn't. I just worried that it would. She is such a little angel and so sweet and tiny. I feel like we already knew each other and that her birth, in the middle of everything is a blessing and not a burden. It has felt like it is taking me a little bit longer to feel whole and well again this time, but every day is better and every day is a reminder of how blessed we are.  I may not ever understand why everything feels like it is happening all at the same time, but one thing is certain: My baby Eliza is here. She is a gift, she is a comfort to my aching heart, and a constant reminder to us of the Divine and His eternal plan. 

I want to remember...

    People are so good and nice to ask how we are doing, and the truth is that it Josh is doing great. Side effects haven't really kicked in yet, and he is still just as positive as ever. I keep asking him how he is doing, and he just says, "Great!"
    Me? Well, I am the emotional roller-coaster that is what you would expect of a pregnant woman. Not only that, but I am sensitive and kind of emotional anyway. (Hahaha. I say that, and I can only imagine what some of you are probably thinking, "Yup, you can say that again," or "Ya, you're emotional." Chances are, if you know me at all, you have seen or experienced or heard about it.)  It's true. I wear my emotions on my sleeve.
    With everything that has been going on, I have tried VERY hard to stay in control. I pray for the strength I need to keep it together because I don't want my kids to think that I am going crazy. I see how concerned they are when I do cry, and the worry on their faces makes me panic. But, I am still a wide range of emotions at any point throughout the day. Sometimes I am numb. Sometimes I am fine, I am at peace and alright. Sometimes I am scared, worried, stressed, mad, etc.
    Most importantly, sometimes I have these moments that I recognize as tender mercies from the Lord. Moments when I can literally feel my Heavenly Father's love for us. His concern for our situation and His desire to let us know that He is there for us. That is why I am posting this. I wanted to be able to come back myself and re-read this. I don't want to forget it. I don't want to forget the feeling.
    So, the background: We went to my parent's stake conference on Sunday because we knew my dad was going to be released as stake president. (Weird that the weekend he was called was the weekend Josh and I met-- nine years ago). Anyway, we wanted to be there to support him. Turns out that we totally benefited from being there, hearing the testimonies born, and listening to the talks given by the general authorities assigned to re-organize the stake. Mostly, I was given a completely new perspective on the opening hymn. It set the mood for the following two hours. Guess I never really paid attention to the lyrics. Funny how there are moments in our lives when we hear something that we have known and heard dozens, maybe even hundreds of times but for some reason, at the very moment you need it... you get it. The light turns on and you see (or hear) for the first time the message that is meant to come across. Or, I guess maybe it's just the message you need at that point. This must have been what we needed. The words were so strong, so poignant, so completely and directly speaking to us.

How Firm a Foundation

How firm a foundation, ye Saints of the Lord. 

Is laid for your faith in his excellent word!

What more can he say than to you he hath said,

Who unto the Savior, who unto the Savior, 

Who unto the Savior for refuge have fled?

In every condition-- in sickness, in health,

In poverty's vale or abounding in wealth,

At home or abroad on the land or the sea--

As thy days may demand, as thy days may demand,

As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.

Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,

For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.

I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand--

Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,

Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand. 

And the race is on

This morning was crazy. McKay and I both participated in "races." McKay's preschool teachers put on a charity race where they let the kids run laps for charity. McKay was so excited about it and he took off running as fast as he could at the end, a friend and VTV owner was asking him questions about the race and he said something like, "I was running super fast and now I am out of breath!" What a cute kid. He was running fast too! He was excited to be able to put money in the bottles for the two charities they were supporting and then wanted to call and tell Papa and Grammy all about it.

I, however, walked (or more like waddled) a 5K race this morning in Memory of Josh (Graham) and in Honor of Josh (Baumgarten). When I found out that my sweet friend Toni was planning on wearing a t-shirt for both her Josh (who lost his battle with cancer last July) and my Josh (who was just diagnosed with cancer), I couldn't help but want to participate. 

       Keep in mind... I am having this baby next Saturday! When I woke up this morning I thought I must  be crazy, but I really wanted to do it for Toni, myself and each of our Josh's. I sincerely believed I would have to turn around and waddle my way shamefully back before I got to the turn around point, but I didn't. I did the whole thing. Even if I was at the end. (But not the VERY end) I didn't care though. The last few minutes, Toni came to find me (I am telling you... I was waddling) and walked with me and my sweet, loyal friends (who stayed with me the whole time) the rest of the way. 

 

Toni and I

These last pictures are of us coming in and I promise there were a few behind us (hahaha, but not many),  Colette and I, and all of "Team Josh"
    I am grateful that I did this, that I had the chance to think about Josh and Toni and their faith and example and for the way their experience has helped my Josh and me. For all the people who have gathered around and rallied to support us. And, for my sweet friends who are constant and steady and always there for me. I love you guys!