The Healer

I keep getting asked how I feel.

Really, I feel like crap. (Hmm... I use that word often and hate it when my kids use it, so I guess I better rethink that particular part of my vocabulary. But for now, substandard just doesn't seem to deliver.) 

In all honesty, I do feel a little better after three days of steroid infusions than I have felt in the last six weeks. I still have two more infusions, so hopefully things will just get better. It all started with the annoying vertigo that just wouldn't and hasn't gone away.

Several symptoms have been added to the vertigo. It was getting to the point that I felt like I was declining everyday. I still feel like a crazy person, but the steroids are helping. The numbness on the left side of my lower face is gone. And while my vision is still often blurry and peripherally double, I can at least see peripherally out of my left eye now. No more big black block. My mouth still feels like I have been to the dentist on the right side, my cheek is still a little zingy and I am not remembering things as well, but at least I am walking a little more normal. I am not stumbling as much. At least not like the day I fell down the stairs with Eliza or when I went in for another MRI and the technician asked if I had taken something before I went. Oh brother! Did the thought not occur to him that I was coming in for another MRI on my brain only two weeks after the first one? In his defense, I did run into the wall!!

After four MRI's, three blood draws (for various tests), two appointments with specialists, a lumbar puncture, and the input of five of the Huntsman Cancer Institute's tumor board neurologists,  it is pretty certain that I have Multiple Sclerosis. (Here is a little information video for a quick MS 101) Fortunately, early treatment is the most successful. The treatment options are mind boggling in and of themselves, and there are so many alternative treatments to consider as well. There is help. I will be fine. I am anxious to feel a little more like myself again and not so pathetic and crazy. (Because that is really how I feel, aside from the symptoms being super annoying, I have been frustrated that I couldn't just make myself get up and live normal everyday life. I would think long and hard about whether is was worth it to get up and shower and fix my hair and then feel worse later in the day. Lame, I know. I wish I could explain it better, but really the best way I can explain it is that I have felt like, note the afore mentioned, crap.)

A huge part of my struggle has been that it feels like my kids deserve better. They deserve to have one healthy parent. One who isn't "neurologically diseased." I think the worst was after the day that the double vision in my eyes became more permanent. I had spent the majority of the day lying on the couch. Josh was putting the kids to bed and explaining that I was sick and didn't feel well. Kimball started to cry. He was really upset and worried that his dad was going to die and his mom was going to die and that there would be four kids living alone in our house and that he wasn't big enough to take care of Eliza. Not only is it sad to hear his concerns vocalized, but to know that such a heavy burden was weighing on his little seven-year-old shoulders. He shouldn't have to carry that. None of my children should.

Still, even in saying that, I am reminded of the distant feeling I had in the temple after learning about Josh's tumor. I was told that it would be hard, that it would hurt, but that ultimately... everything is in His hands and that it would be okay. Christ is the Healer. He is the one who can heal us from physical infirmity (if it is according to the Lord's will) and He can heal our aching hearts when life is hard. That is His purpose. To be our Savior.
I am going to post another song. "The Healer," was written by one of my close friend's twin sister. The CD is called, Praying for a Better Day by, Tari Van Tassell. I looked it up and you can buy a download here.
I know that I keep talking about songs and putting them up on my blog, but really... music is one of the best ways to feel the Spirit, and it has been healing to me in so many different ways. Please take the time to listen to this song. You will not be sorry. It strengthens my faith and testimony of Jesus Christ every time I hear it. In recent weeks, it has helped me to see that while a complete physical healing may not be possible, a spiritual and emotional healing is really what I need. (I spent the time to make the video myself, googly eyes and all, so... go easy on me! It was the only way I could figure out how to get the actual music on this post.) 

Public for now

I don't know if any of the rest of you who have private blogs have a problem with blogger not allowing people to get on, but I have had lots of problems with it. When I look at the permissions it will say that they are still included in my readers, but they can't actually get in. Anyway, Josh has been after me to make my blog public again anyway, so at least for now... until I freak out about it, it's public.  (And, I just thought about blog-reader. Sorry if you have a gazillion posts show up all of the sudden. I hope that's not how it works, but I don't really know.)
Just to keep up with my promise, I will share a funny story about McKay. I was asking him to fold his laundry because that is one of his usual routine chores. He was complaining about how hard it was and how long it took and how he had to do it EVERY DAY and then it was annoying because once he folded it he had to PUT IT AWAY!! I was ignoring him because I didn't want to engage in that conversation.
So after a few minutes of grumbling he said, "Mom, it's like you think I am your servant or something."

A laugh, a tasty bite, and a vent: ready, set, go...

I have realized that it is probably best to just go ahead and update since so many have expressed their concern. In my post a few days ago, I didn't mean to be ambiguous as to fish for sympathy, it is just that I am still not sure what to think and I just needed a dose of blog-therapy.  I was feeling pretty discouraged and worried that my four children deserve better. 

Today, when I woke up I realized that my symptoms were not only still there, but were worse! Discouragement set in again, and pursued through out the majority of the day. 

Forgive me for a minute as I digress: 

I was thinking hard about how to stay positive and decided that I would blog to work through my feelings, even if I didn't post. I made my way to Facebook first and ironically, the first update I saw was from my friend Aderyn (who happens to be an amazing cook, btw. Yes, Aderyn. You are! Check out her foodie blog: Confessions of a Wannabe Chef. You will be drooling for Creme Brulee) 

Anyway, she posted a couple of links to Youtube for a foreign version of Candid Camera and I was laughing my guts out. (See my last post because it is totally worth a few minutes to get in a good laugh.) 

Then, I got lost in cyberspace and spent way too much time reading blogs. I was blog-stalking a blog my friend Mindy started and one of my besties, Sha, contributes to; called Apron Girls. I came across a recipe I HAD to try. It just so turned out that Josh had to run to the store so I asked him to pick up balsamic vinegar to make these Balsamic Glazed Pork Chops. 

To go with it, I roasted potatoes with EVOO, kosher salt, pepper, garlic powder, onion flakes and rosemary. Steamed broccoli rounded it off. If I had raspberries, we could have had a yogurt and raspberry parfait for desert, but still...it was delish!! I plan on making it for Mindy and Larry when they come visit in March (Yay!! And, now you two don't have to feel like guinea pigs because I already tried it, Lol!) Anyway, I had to share because one of my favorite things to come across on a blog is a picture and a recipe for something new and yummy someone has tried. (Uh, I am too lazy to type the recipe, that's why I linked it above). 

Ok, getting back to the main reason for my post tonight: I did post about two weeks ago on my crazy vertigo and the possibility of Vestibular Neuritis. That, theoretically, could still be a possibility. But, I am also struggling with numbness and vision problems too. Ugh! It is so frustrating because just daily chores are so taxing. The world is spinning so fast I have to work really hard to focus on what I am actually looking at through my double vision. Yesterday, I went to pick up Eliza from her nap and we both fell down the stairs. Luckily I was holding her with both arms and was able to keep her from getting hurt, but that was kind-of the straw that broke the camel's back concerning my mood!

Anyway, I have had a mostly normal MRI and I am waiting to get an appointment with a neurologist to just get to the bottom of it all. There are a few different possible diagnosis, but I won't be any closer to that until I can get lucky enough for a cancellation. Otherwise, the neurology waiting list is anticipated to be scheduled starting June 1! Good grief!

The biggest thing is that I feel like my kids deserve to be taken care of, loved and played with. I hate that I feel so... not like myself, that all I want to do is lie down on the couch so the room will spin a little slower. Kimball was crying tonight because he wanted to know what was going to happen to them if Josh died and I was too sick. He said that someone had to take care of them, and he is absolutely right. That's my problem. All of my symptoms are annoying and interfere with my daily life, I am stuck at home for the majority of the day because I can't focus enough to drive. (I would probably spend most of the day at home anyway, it's just the knowledge that I CAN'T leave, I guess, that drives me bonkers.) I can't eat or swallow without a burning/tingling/pain in the back of my throat. Still... even more than all the annoying symptoms, I worry about my kids. I wonder why they might be the ones who have to deal with sick parents. Parents who should be taking care of them and playing with them and taking them to do the things they want to do when possible. It makes my heart break.
I have to say that Josh has been carrying the load for the last four weeks. He has been amazing and I love him all the more for it. But, part of me wants to scream because he should have the chance to rest and take care of himself when he is feeling run down rather than worrying about hurrying home from work to play the father and the mother.
I should be able to take care of Josh I should be able to take care of my four young children. I should be able to give them more. Don't they deserve that?
Ok, I will stop complaining. I did warn you at the beginning of this post that I was going to blog out my discouragement, but now I am feeling super guilty. So, let me make up for it.
I am going to blog in the next few days about some more funny things my boys have done and said and maybe give a small update on how each of them are doing. I will try to find something inspirational and uplifting. I promise. Tonight, it's almost 11. I am tired. I just need to say my prayers and get some sleep. So, for now... Goodnight!

Surrender your scissors!!

Today has been another bummer/frustrating day, and I have been thinking all day about blogging to feel better and then I got on Facebook. My friend Aderyn posted this clip from another version of candid camera. I laughed my guts out. Seriously watch for the girl you see right here at the very start of the clip. The security guard totally plays up the fact that she has a "weapon" so she surrenders the scissors! Oh my gosh! I am still laughing just typing about it. I am in a better mood now, there is nothing like a good laugh!

 

In reference to my previous post...

I will "blag" a bit and say that I have the most incredible, loving, supportive family that there ever was. One of my sweet aunts sent me this quote today. I can't stop crying. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I love you so much, and somehow, you always are able to find exactly what I need.
"There is help. There is happiness. There really is light at the end of the tunnel. It is the Light of the World, the Bright and Morning Star, the "light that is endless, that can never be darkened." It is the very Son of God Himself. It is the return of hope, and Jesus is the Sun. To any who may be struggling to see that light and find that hope, I say: Hold on. Keep trying. God loves you. Things will improve. Christ comes to you in His "more excellent ministry" with a future of "better promises." He is your "high priest of good things to come." 
                       --Jeffrey R. Holland, "An High Priest of Good Things to Come", Ensign, Nov. 1999, p. 36

...name them one by one...

...Count your many blessings,  see what God hath done...


I am really having a hard time. I am not going to go into the details, because like I have mentioned before, it is best to not (as they say) count your chickens before they are hatched. I am mostly blogging (or it may be better stated: journaling) again as a way to work through my thoughts and feelings. 


Tomorrow is Sunday. It is the first Sunday of the month which for those of my faith (see www.lds.org), means testimony meeting.  My murmuring mortal self wants to crawl in a hole. Not only because three hours of church with wiggly little boys is exhausting, but I am not sure I am up for the reminder of how poorly I am handling life.  


While googling again, I kept hearing a very specific hymn in my mind. I decided to look for a link to listen to it and found this scripture associated with "Count your Blessings."


"That ye contend no more against the Holy Ghost, but that ye receive it, and take upon you the name of Christ; that ye humble yourselves even to the dust, and worship God, in whatsoever place ye may be in, in spirit and in truth; and that ye live in thanksgiving daily, for the many mercies and blessings which he doth bestow upon you." Alma 34:38


Life was meant to be hard. I know that. But it has been filled abundantly with blessings. That I can not deny. That fact is concrete and obvious. It seems to go without saying that many blessings are taken for granted. I for one, am amongst those who forget too easily about all the good that surrounds the bad. Kind of the way water fills a jar already (seemingly) full.  You know the old object lesson that takes a jar and fills it first with the rocks, then pebbles, sand and eventually water? It's just another way of applying the same principle, I guess. Our lives may be full of varying degrees of difficulty, but surrounding the trials, and ultimately filling the jar, water: tender mercies and blessings flow abundantly. I know it. I could list countless blessings, but will save you the time of scrolling through them. Rest assure, my prayer tonight will be one of gratitude. There are plenty of worries weighing heavily on my mind, but I realize that my faith may be better strengthened by recognizing what I have already been given. So, because I cannot find a link to share that gives the song the same reverence I hear in my mind, I will leave you with only the lyrics:

When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,

When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings; name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

[Chorus]

Count your blessings;

Name them one by one.

Count your blessings;

See what God hath done.

Count your blessings;

Name them one by one.

Count your many blessings;

See what God hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?

Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?

Count your many blessings; ev’ry doubt will fly,

And you will be singing as the days go by.

Chorus

When you look at others with their lands and gold,

Think that Christ has promised you his wealth untold.

Count your many blessings; money cannot buy

Your reward in heaven nor your home on high.

Chorus

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,

Do not be discouraged; God is over all.

Count your many blessings; angels will attend,

Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.