And, I am laying it all out there. Again.

I have seriously debated whether or not to post about this. But, I went to my RS Enrichment birthday party tonight and during a slide show, a quote from President Monson really struck a chord with me.  I realized that if for nothing else than journaling my impressions and the strength it gave to my testimony, it was important. WARNING: This is really long, and EXTREMELY personal. Please, take this for what it is, and know that I KNOW I made a mistake. 

I struggle so much with feelings of inadequacy, especially when it comes to my boys. I worry about what I may be doing wrong as a mother, what long-term consequences may be as a result of the mistakes that I make on a daily basis, and even whether or not I am building the right kind of strong, trusting relationships that mother's should have with their sons.  So at the risk of judgement, here I go...

The process of buying and selling and then moving from one house to another was not exactly pleasant. It was one thing after another and caused me enough anxiety and stress that I had actual physical repercussions.  Still trying to recover from my craziness, on Thursday I refilled a prescription and put it in my zipped purse. When I got home, I set my purse on the counter and went about my business. You know where this is going, right? 

The next thing I knew, Benson had pulled a chair over to the counter and unzipped my purse. (I can only assume that he was looking for a paci or candy) He had managed to open my prescription and as far as I could tell, took twice the dose that I take. 

I called poison control and desperately crawled around on the floor looking for the missing pill. Not able to locate the extra dose, I told the man from poison control he must have taken it. He told me to hurry to the ER because it was an extremely high dose for a boy so small. 

All at the same time, my cousin's husband showed up (for another entirely different reason), but helped me get the boys and my friend's daughter loaded in the car. As I was pulling out, my friend's sister came to pick up the girl I was babysitting. I asked her to stay with the boys and I left for the hospital. Because he was at work, I was unable to get in touch with Josh, so my friend met me at the ER. Benson was definitely more mellow and acted tired and the way you would expect an overdosed toddler to act. 

Poison control had called ahead to let them know I was coming, so they took us right back and put him on monitors. Still unable to get Josh on the phone, I called my brother and Jon (my cousin's husband, who had helped me earlier) and they came to give Benson a blessing.  

An 1-1/2 hour after getting there, the doctor FINALLY came in. He looked at Benson, who was crawling around on the bed acting like a dog, and asked me if he had really taken any medicine. I told him I was sure because I had tried to clean it out of his mouth. He told me that he didn't think he showed any signs of overdose. Of course, at that point (after his blessing) I didn't think he showed any signs either. 

Instead of admitting him (which is what they would usually do), they sent us home around 10 PM. Benson acts fine. You would never know anything had happened. I KNOW that it was an answer to my prayers and as a result of the sweet blessing my brother administered to him. 

I can't even express how grateful I am for the opportunity I have to ask my Heavenly Father for forgiveness and that he can make up for my inadequacies. (Including leaving medicine in my purse on the counter). I honestly didn't think twice about it. It didn't occur to me that Benson or one of the other boys, for that matter, could get into it. I guess if I had sat down and analyzed it, I would have thought to put it up and away. It was just one of those out-of-sight, out-of-mind moments. 

I know that many of you probably have plenty of thoughts of what I should have done or could have done to prevent it, but it really was an honest mistake. All I can say is that I am so grateful that Heavenly Father is watching out for my boys and that he has given us the gift of the priesthood and that my sweet little baby is alright. I know that I am not the mother that my boys should have, and I am really trying my best to be who they need me to be. 

In the mean time, I have been praying and expressing my gratitude for the blessing that protected Benson, but also trying to understand why I would be blessed with these three little boys that I don't deserve. Three little boys that I love dearly but fear I am not capable of raising. 

Now to the reason why I decided to post this story. Tonight I heard a quote from President Monson.  He said, "My dear sisters, do not pray for tasks equal to your abilities, but pray for abilities equal to your tasks. Then the performance of your tasks will be no miracle, but you will be the miracle."

I can only pray that I can be that for my boys. I pray that I will remember the scripture that means so much to me recently: "Listen to him who is the advocate with the Father, who is pleading your cause before him-- Saying: Father, behold the sufferings and death of him who did no sin, in whom thou was well pleased; behold the blood of thy Son which was shed, the blood of him whom thou gavest that thyself might be glorified; Wherefore, Father, spare these my brethren that believe on my name that they may come unto me and have everlasting life." (D&C 45:3-5). 

On Sunday, the bishopric in our new ward asked Josh and I to speak on the 5th Sunday of the month. Go figure that they asked us to talk on the Atonement/Easter. I guess the Lord knows I need the enabling and cleansing power that He offers through the Atonement.