I know that a post is long overdue. It is just that every time I get started I have to stop because all of the emotion that I can safely tuck away comes flooding to the surface. There is so much that I can write to just get out of my system, but I am afraid to let it out. I am afraid that I won't be able to keep it together to function as a wife and mother or to just be able to make it from one minute to the next.
That being said, we did go to Salt Lake last week for appointments. Marathon appointments is what they should call them. They line up several people to talk to you and you end up being there for hours. Tuesday was long. Wednesday was longer. In a nutshell, they all wanted to make sure that we understood the diagnosis (glioblastoma multiforme) and what to expect. Treatment starts this Wednesday, April 28. Thirty days of radiation and chemo followed by a year of cycled chemo treatments and regular MRIs to watch the tumor.
There was a lot of information, a lot to absorb, and in the end we realize that it doesn't really matter what experiences other patients have had. Yes, their diagnosis might be the same, but the Lord's plan for them is not.
Josh (who of course has much more faith than I) told me that he decided on the night we found out he had a brain tumor (before we knew it was cancer) that he had to put is full faith in the Lord. He decided to have faith that if it was the Lord's will to sustain his life, then it would be sustained.
He told me that was all that mattered and that it was our job to open our eyes to the big picture, to maintain an eternal perspective. We have to take comfort and hope in the fact that the Lord is in charge and is capable of making miracles happen.
So, then in the middle of the night when he tells me that his arm, leg, and face are numb I have to remind myself that overall, Josh isn't scared. I have to remind myself that everything will be ok. I have to turn my thoughts to the outpouring of love and support that we have been shown. I have to immediately say a prayer of gratitude for the goodness inside everyone around us. So many people who have made miracles happen. People who have given time, talents, resources, hearts and minds in our behalf. So much to be thankful for. So much to make me realize that I don't have the luxury of dwelling in the flood of fear. There are evidences all around us, through all of you, that the Lord is aware of us and of our needs. He sends those around us to share their love, to wrap their arms around us and remind us (or me) to put our faith in God.
So again, thank you for everything that is being done and for the constant reminder, which I have sincerely needed.
9 comments:
Your families faith and strength amaze me. You are such an amazing woman. I feel like I leave the same comment every time because there aren't words to express after reading your thoughts. You your husband, and your boys are in our thoughts and prayers every night. Please know that we care so much!
Thank you for opening up and making a post! I've been thinking about you so much lately, and I am so thankful to have your blog to get little updates. You are amazing Kristen, I knew that from the second i met you. YOU have taught me so much...not only how to become a master jello slurper, but on a serious note...about the Atonement. We are thinking and praying for you. I know I am a few hours away, but I would do anything for you.
What's the treatment plan? How long does it last? My aunt is going through chemo right now for ovarian cancer, and I know Joshua will have ups and downs along the way. I'll be sending all the "up" day vibes that I can!
I'll keep checking in on you. I'm praying for you. Heavenly Father is absolutely aware of you.
I LOVE YOU!!!
You don't always have to be strong. It is okay to break down a bit and then regain control later. If ya need a listening I am always here. Josh is right. The Lord's will is always done, He is a God of miracles. Don't lose the faith!
Kristen,
I am so sorry to hear about this trial you and your family have to endure. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I wish I had better words to express my compassion for your situation, but please know that I am thinking of you and your family.
You are constantly on my mind and in my prayers! What an awesome example you are!
Again, just hang in there!
Kristen, I am so grateful that Josh has you by his side! You describe your thoughts and feelings so well. Thank you for sharing them, even as hard as it is to do so!
You are AMAZING! Thank you for your thoughts. Josh is lucky to have you and you are lucky to have him. God is aware of your every need, TRUST HIM! You're in our prayers! Love ya
You're amazing! Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Believe it or not they help my Faith grow Stronger as well! Our prayers are with you and your family!
WEll said Sis! That is my girl! I can litteraly feel what you want to say, but are afraid to say. I know!! But I also know that the God we worship as our Father is in charge. He is a God of miracles, we have seen them and continue to see them. YOu and Josh have the FAith just rely on that....not on the Fear! Because you and Emily are my best friends as well as my daughters, just think about this... you are carrying your best friend to be!! Your very own daughter! A MIRACLE!!!!!
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