I realize that lately my posts have been really personal, and I don't blame anyone who would maybe prefer to not read my blog and all of my emotional ramblings. Still, writing is a good way for me to sort through my feelings, and this post is especially one of those. So... you've been warned and if you just want to close the window and move on to the next blog, that's fine.
Don't get me wrong. Eliza has been a really good baby and, being two weeks old, has only had a few "bad" nights. I just wish that I would sleep soundly. I wake up worrying why she isn't awake. I am crazy, I know. Last night, however, was one of her "bad" nights. Not that it was bad per se, she wasn't fussy at all. She was just wide awake from 2:00 until 5:00. Right after she drifted to sleep, the dog was crying to get out. I tried to ignore her, but really? Have you ever tried to ignore a crying dog? A yappy one no less? Annoying. So I let Kitty out sometime before 5:30. I remember looking at the clock around that time and then must have fallen asleep until 6:30 when the kids woke up. Uh! I am so tired today.
And (as I am so good at doing) I digress. My point was to say that in the late night hours and early morning hours when I am being crazy and awake or whether I am awake with Eliza, I have quiet time to think. Because I saw this picture of Josh for the first time in months yesterday, I was thinking about how much has changed since this picture was taken on Labor Day.
(I had to scan it in, but love this picture because it just looks like Josh. Not just physically, but just the feel of the picture is Josh to me. The smile on his face and the way he is sitting relaxed and happy-- it emanates his personality.)
As I was thinking, I just couldn't help but cry. Part of me has faith that everything will be alright, part of me is scared, and part of me just wishes that things would go back to the way they were on Labor Day when this picture was taken.
So, all day, I have been thinking and wishing we could go back in time and feeling guilty for feeling that way. We have so much to be thankful for. I know that. I know that we have been blessed with more than we will ever be able to repay or adequately express gratitude. Still, I just couldn't stop looking at this picture. Every time, I tear up and all those feelings come rushing back. Indulge me, if you will, and read the lyrics to this song by Hillary Weeks. (I tried to find a link to the music, but couldn't find a free download, and I am not tech-savvy enough to download it from my own CD.)
I believe that everything happens for a reason
We're not just tossed by the wind or left in the hands of fate
But sometimes life sends a storm that's unexpected
And we're forced to face our deepest pain
When I feel the heartache begin to pull me under
I dig my heels in deep and I fight to keep my ground
Still at times the hurt inside grows stronger
And there's nothing I can do but let it out
Just let me cry
I know it's hard to see
But the pain I feel
Isn't going away today
Just let me cry
Till every tear has fallen
Don't ask when and don't ask why
Just let me cry
When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me
I understood that there would be a chance that it would break
But I know He knows exactly how I'm feeling
And I know in time He'll the pain away
But for now
Just let me cry
I know it's hard to see
But the pain I feel
Isn't going away today
Just let me cry
Till every tear has fallen
Don't ask when and don't ask why
Just let me cry
I have felt joy the kind that makes my heart want to sing
And so my tears are not a surrender
I'll feel that way again
But for now
For this moment
Just let me cry
I know it's hard to see
But the pain I feel
Isn't going away today
Just let me cry
Till every tear has fallen
Don't ask when and don't ask why
Just let me cry
I believe that everything happens for a reason
11 comments:
Well, you made ME cry too. A couple of thoughts... I think it's okay to cry whenever you need to. Also, I get really nutty when I'm sleep deprived, so I totally relate. And that photo of Josh? Perfection! It's a great picture of him.
Oh, Kristen. I love reading your posts - even those ones where you just need to cry.
I read in an Ensign article one time (or maybe it was a visiting teaching message) that at times, even Christ sought solace, and sought time to be alone. The scriptures even say that Jesus wept.
If Christ needed that time, why not us? I've also learned that it's okay for me to cry.
When Scott had his accident, I think I cried everyday for the next year. Every time I would see pictures of his little hand, or go to physical therapy with him, or another surgery . . . Then, I'd look back at pictures of him, when his hand was whole, and would just sob.
So, feel free to cry. I think that's how we, as women, are built. We get beat up by life until we can handle no more, then have to release the pressure by a good cry.
Also, if you have time to read something, try the book Baby Wise. I used it in helping Connor to sleep through the night, and I think it worked pretty well. It's all about getting them on a schedule, and he was sleeping from 10:30 pm to 6:30 in the morning when he was 7 weeks old. Good luck, sweetie!
Kristen,
I have cried a million tears this last year...its better to cry then to let it build up inside. Just as Josh has been your rock...you are his. You have been going through the greatest and worst moments of your life, and I am sure the post partum is helping right now.
You give others strength. You are by far one of the strongest and most faithful people I know. Keep writing and getting these thoughts out. You have such an amazing talent..and it seems to be your way to cope with life right now. I love you, and am always here for you an your wonderful family.
We love you!
Tammy
We are crying with you. We love you!
don't feel like you can't share emotion on your blog. it's good to purge and I like to hear about it.
Oh Kristen. If there was any way I could help ease that pain I would. I am so sorry for these unbelievable trials. I love you and I love your family. I honestly pray you'll let me be whatever kind of friend you need right now. If you need a listening ear or someone to laugh with you better call me! :)
I am so sorry!! You are living right now what each of us fears. I wish for you that you could go back to Labor Day. I think what hurts me the most is knowing that there isn't anything I can do to take that hurt away from you.. If you ever need someone to watch your boys, even just to take them to the park to play for a couple hours, please call. I would love it! Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers. Easton talked about you and your boys the other day. He talked about making cupcakes with you, and your rabbit, it was so cute that he remembered. We love you!
Love you lots friend!
Kristen, I think I can safely speak for all of us when I say PLEASE don't stop sharing these things! I know things that are this emotional and personal are tough to share, but I consider it a huge honor that you trust each of us enough to let us in on it so that we can pick up a tiny piece of the burden and carry it with you. We all love you so much and know you are going through things we can't even begin to imagine, and you are doing it with such grace and honesty that every word you write truly blesses each of us. Thank you for being such an incredible example of faith and love and hope to all of us. We love you, Kris. Remember...especially when it's hard to see, the BEST is yet to come!!
Sometimes I hate that we live here and you live there. I know there's nothing I can do to change things, but I wish I could do for you all the little things I think about doing and want to be doing, like randomly showing up and taking your boys for a few hours while Eliza naps during the day so you can have some time for yourself. Or bringing take-out over for lunch and just having girl talk looking at photos of us as kids or something.
I love that Hilary Weeks song. She sang that at BYU Womens Conference in 08 and her performance that night seriously changed my life. The music opened the opportunity for the Spirit to touch me. I wonder if music artists have any idea how their talents provide moments like that for people all over the world. I'm glad it brought you comfort and I love what Renee said about how even the Savior needed time to himself, time to FEEL and mourn and cry. Keep blogging. It's a great outlet for you and it also helps the rest of us feel connected to you and Josh. Christ overcame and so will you.
I know you know that, but it feels good to say it outloud, not just for you but for me, too. Love you.
Crying is good and writing is better. Keep it coming. Trust that the Lord knows you and your needs. His arms are out! I love you sis
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