They are smart. They know what is going on. They understand that their dad is sick and that he has a tumor. They know that he goes to Salt Lake for medicine. They also know that sometimes people die. Ever since Josh had his first seizure (yes, he has had another since my last post) the boys keep making comments and asking questions about if their dad is dying or going to die.
How do you answer that? I have told them that he is going to be okay, but I know that isn't good enough because all three of them keep commenting. For example:
- Kimball was emotional tonight. He was worried that his dad would keep having seizures and that he would die before we could go on vacation. He said, "He is our very first dad, and we don't want another dad."
- On the day Josh had his second seizure (last Tuesday) McKay asked, "Is Dad going to die because Heavenly Father needs him like he needed Josh Graham?" (Josh Graham was a friend, our bishop, and my boss. We all loved Josh and miss him)
- Friday after I drove Josh to work, Benson must have forgotten that we had taken Daddy to work because he was looking for him and said, "Where's Dad? Did he die?"
The truth is Josh and I both have decided that we must accept whatever the Lord's will and understand that in doing so, we will be able to find the peace and strength we need to be able to endure. Josh is better than me. I just want answers. I don't like feeling like things are up in the air. However, I KNOW that I have felt the quiet peace that comes from knowing the Lord is in charge and no matter the outcome everything will be alright.
As adults, with a life of experiences, we still struggle to understand that this life is given to us, and that we need to be okay with just letting go. So, how do you explain that to little boys? They are smart, yes. They have felt the Spirit. I know they have. I have been privileged to witness their sweet experiences. But they are still little boys. I wish that I could protect them from the harsh reality that we are facing. There are no concrete answers that we can give them. No absolutes in one direction or the other. Just that we are doing everything we can, but that ultimately it is up to Heavenly Father. Ultimately, Heavenly Father knows how their dad can best help these boys grow into righteous, stalwart, honorable men (which is something we pray for daily). Heavenly Father can work mighty miracles. He can see the big picture, and we are given so little and must extend our faith. It seems like such a hard lesson, a burden really, that doesn't seem fair to place on little boys.
So tonight, I am contemplating the best way to be honest and fair but to somehow protect them. We have plans to discuss it for Family Home Evening. I guess I have about 16-17 hours to figure out what the Lord would have me teach them.
When I was in seminary, I had an awesome teacher. Brother Kunz wrote lots of songs and used them in his lesson plans. The songs he wrote all had stories behind them. The one going through my head tonight was about a family who had a son injured in a terrible car accident. To the best of my memory (which may not be so great, given that it is nearly 2 am), the lyrics go something like this:
Help Me to Believe
As I kneel beside his bed, I think about the blessing on his head.
They were the words my Father gave to me. Help me to believe.
I know he hears and answers prayers, when we call him he is always there.
He promised miracles would never cease. Help me to believe.
And help me to put my trust in Thee. Hear my plea, please comfort me.
And help me see-- Miracles never cease. Help me to believe.
As I see him sitting there, I know his life is in our Father's care.
In his eyes I see his faith is complete. Help me to believe.
If I knelt at Jesus feet, He could heal my son so easily.
But I know his power works through me. Help me to believe.
And help me to put my trust in Thee. Hear my plea, please comfort me.
And help me see-- Miracles never cease. Help me to believe.
SIDENOTE: Hmm... I can't remember the rest. I tried to google it to see if I could find the lyrics. (I am getting really good at googling these days.) I just found out that he is teaching at BYU-Idaho. That's awesome. It sounds like his students enjoy his style of teaching as much as I did. One of the quickest ways to invite the spirit is through music, and he did that so often in our seminary classes. Anyway, that song is from his CD, I Believe.
Tonight, I feel like I am praying and pleading with the Lord to help me put my trust where it belongs: with Him. I am praying for comfort and faith. I am praying for the strength I need to be able to share it with my boys. I want to help them have faith, not fear. I am praying for the enabling power of the atonement to help me do something that I would not be able to do if left to my own means.
12 comments:
You are such a strong and spiritual person! What would we do without the wonderful gospel and knowledge we have of the gospel in our lives! Thanks for all of your wonderful thought provoking posts!
I wish there were a magical statement that you could make to help the boys understand, but help them not worry. Maybe you could study the resurrection together a little? There is some great stuff in 2 Nephi 9 as well as Alma 40. Maybe just let them ask questions, and try to be as honest as possible, focusing on the fact that you are an eternal family, no matter what Josh will always be their dad, and he will always love them and watch out for them.
Lots of hugs!
Kristen, I'm sitting here with tears just running down my face... wondering how it would be to be a little boy that would wonder first thing if my dad had died if I didn't see him right away when I got home. I was thinking as I was reading your boys' comments that they are trying to understand, and work things out in their heads, and that you are doing a great job of helping them get there. I'm sure the Spirit will help you know what to say to your boys to help them have the same comfort and faith that you and Josh have. Love you!
Kristen....wow what a postition you are in. My best advice for you it to tell them that no matter what happens their dad will always be there for them. Yeah the hard reality is that he may not physically be there but he will always be there in their hearts. They will feel he is there with them when they need him most. The best thing is to make positive fun memories while you can that will help carry them in the future. They are smart boys and they know the harsh realities of life....these suggestions just might help soften it a little. It wouldn't hurt to have Josh or someone else your are comfortable with give your boys a blessing to help them deal with everything. I am sure you probably already have but if you haven't there is another suggestion. Hope this helps. Hang in there!
Kristen, I was going to offer you my CD of it, but I saw that someone already did on facebook. If you need it, you can have it. :)
You are amazing, I think you as a mother have the power to know what your boys will need. You are so in tune, Heavenly Father can and will speak through you. You are amazing! Thank you for writing your feelings, and life experiences down. I hope you know you are a blessing in my life!!
Children are so smart and intuitive some times- which can be hard! But I know that they are also more understanding and close to the spirit also. I know you will be able to find the right things to share with them- you are amazing!
I love that song by brother Kunz, and all of the rest of them too- such good memories (do you remember dancing in the school parking lot to that CD with Joni- we were crazy:))
I love you!
Oh Kristen,
I wish I was wise and all knowing so I could tell you what to say to your sweet little boys. I'm not.
I'll I can think of is to have them pray for their daddy. It will help them too.
Hopefully someone will have better advise then me...
Give them an extra hug for me.
Ooh, Kristen, that's a hard one. But, I really believe that we have to be open with our children. Don't try to hide it, but also don't go over their heads with the details.
Something like cancer is hard to explain - I can't even imagine. I would tell them basically what you told us. "We're not sure if Dad will die. He is sick. And the best thing that we can do is support him with his dr.'s appointments, loving him, playing with him, praying for him . . . And when we pray, we can ask Heavenly Father for peace and comfort to be okay with whatever happens."
Keep it simple. And it's okay to be emotional. Your kids will follow your example, so if you bottle everything up, they will too. Or they'll regress or act out. If they know it's okay to have some emotion, and let things out in a good way, they'll be okay.
I hope and pray that all will be well. Love you.
I wish I had something incredibly comforting to say. All I DO know is that kids are SO in tune with the spirit. No matter the outcome-or what your family must face....the lord blesses everyone. It seems that little children are full of the most faith and are more receptive to the comforting spirit to ease whatever pains they might have.
Thinking about you often....as well as praying. :)
Oh man!! I know whatever you guys say to the boys will be great. You are both awesome parents, and your little boys and girl are very loved. I can't imagine what I would do, but I know you and Josh will handle this well.
Isn't the Lord so great to help us do what we have to do in this life. You are doing it Kristen. You're enduring it well. I am so proud of you and have you in our every prayer and thought. The Lord trusts you with your family and he will help you explain this to your little men. Josh is a great father and a good husband. Love each day and each moment. They are so very precious. Love ya
I found that a LOT of times when kids are troubled at school, I have them write. Really. Writing is good therapy and helps them. It's good for you, for Josh, and for your boys. I'm not trying to sound simple, but just another thing that may help another day, another way. I value my children's AND parent's notes.
They can show you what they understand this way, what they question, what they are afraid of...
Love you sis.
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