Just so you know what REALLY happened.

Ok, I don't know exactly how I feel about posting right now, but I feel like I need to.
Let's be honest. We live in a small town on the corner of a super busy street. It's no surprise that the word spread like wildfire that we had an ambulance, a paramedic truck and a Uintah County Sheriff at our house on Tuesday morning. It was just before 8am. Just in time for people to be headed to work and dropping their kids off at school. I know that most people are sincerely concerned and we really do appreciate the love and support, so... let's set the record straight.
Josh was getting ready to head out the door to a meeting for work when he said, "Oh no!" and then hit the floor. I barely had time to ask him what was wrong when he was trying to tell me to call 911.
Stupid phone was not on the jack and I panicked looking for it. I actually don't even remember where I found it before I was dialing and rushing back to Josh.
By this time McKay and Benson had clued in to the fact that something was wrong and they followed me into our room where Josh was lying on the floor having a seizure. The woman who answered my 911 call asked me to have someone meet the paramedics at the door. I panicked because I didn't want to leave my husband and I didn't want to send my kids to the door either.
I immediately started calling the most recent calls on my cell phone.
I tried to call my mom. No answer. Must have been driving.
I tried to call my sister. No answer.
I tried Toni. Thank you Toni for answering and rushing out the door.
It's all kind of a blur but it felt like it lasted forever. Josh was conscious the entire time he was seizing and said that it was a scary almost out-of-body experience because he was totally out of control of his body.
I just remember McKay and Benson kneeling at his head asking me if he was dying. I told them that he wasn't, but actually I had a this picture in my mind of the tumor seeping into the channels of his brain and spreading itself further and deeper. I was afraid he was dying too. I wasn't even convinced it was a seizure because it almost looked like a stroke. Only the right side of his body was shaking and the muscles were contracted and pulling at his limbs and face. We said a prayer. McKay was trying not to cry, and he said, "I don't want to say it Mom, you say it." So I did.
Finally the paramedics arrived and at some point Toni and my sister got there. Not sure if it was before or after the paramedics or maybe at the same time. Hmmm... I realize now that I am not sure how my sister knew to come. I had tried her cell but got no answer. Note to self: Must ask Emily how she knew to come.
After somehow farming out my kids and while knowing they were in good hands, and hoping that they (and those taking care of them) would be alright, I went out to follow the ambulance to the hospital. I waited for a minute in the truck and then wondered what was taking them so long. I went to check on Josh. I found them trying to place an IV. Poor Josh. They weren't having very much success and Josh actually got sick and threw up while they were trying to get the IV in this place and that. I guess all the stress from the seizure and everything made him nauseous and it didn't help to have them miss a vein and try for another over and over.
We finally made it to the ER where they decided it would be best to find out from the specialists at the Huntsman Cancer Institute that Josh has been seeing, what they wanted him to do. So after several hours in the ER, he was sent home with anti-seizure medication and we planned to follow up with the specialists.
So on Wednesday, we went to his regular infusion (which is for a study group that he is part of). The nurse practitioner over Neuro-Oncology came to talk to us and said that she thought he would be fine to wait until his next scheduled MRI. We weren't I told her I didn't think it was alright to leave the hospital with no answers. Especially since he had never had a seizure up until that point. She argued that maybe he was over tired. I argued back that he has been plenty tired since he started treatment and it didn't seem likely that just now his body would react by seizing. When Josh said that he would much rather be pro-active, she agreed to schedule an MRI for us. However it wouldn't be until the end of the day and so we would have to make the decision to either stay another night, or to go home. We decided to stay in case we needed to be here Thursday.
Just as we were making the decision, we heard back that we would need to be back on Thursday morning to discuss with members of the tumor board what do do next. His tumor has grown. We don't know yet by how much, since we just got a phone call tonight. I guess tomorrow will be more telling.
Until then, I just keep reminding myself that the image I saw in my mind during his seizure was preparation. Even though the Lord may not answer prayers the way we want them answered, they are always answered in our best interest according to His eternal perspective. We will be ok. Things will be fine. Josh is great and has a really good attitude about it all. Deep inside, I know that now matter what, it will be ok. It's just scary and hard to hear what we heard. Too many things go through my mind. Too many "what ifs" and unknowns are floating around in my head.
In the Book of Mormon it says that murmuring is to disbelieve. I am trying to not murmur. I am trying to be strong like Josh.