Sit, "DTR" with blogging

The setting: usual late night sleeplessness, resolved by a therapeutic purging-if you will, the more upbeat and mainstream posts on day-to-day family life that ironically unmask my mothering failings, the point-by-point laying out the information as purely update...emotion-spared progress reports on Josh. Here I sit at 3:00 am in the morning wondering what is the next step? Where do I go with this?

Can you still feel your heart choking your throat as the "DTR" (Determine The Relationship talk) comes out in any relationship? Isn't it easier to just put it off and put it off and hope that nothing will solve something. Apparently it doesn't. It didn't really work in college and I guess it doesn't really work blogging. So... let's lay it all out there. Here's what I need to blog about:

• Kimball's birthday and baptism have been very neglected at my procrastination. It is a somewhat emotional series of events that I struggle to edit the emotion.
• The Relay for Life isn't much work on my part, but I have had several requests for the talk that Josh and I worked on together to give during the Luminarie Ceremony. I gotta be honest. The whole FOCUS on the cancer is really hard for me. I must be looking from the wrong angle. 
• My boys just had their first experience setting up a lemonade stand. They are doing it in an effort to raise money for souvenirs in Yellowstone. We plan to go on vacation to Jackson Hole, and from there Yellowstone, and then to our family reunion. They are thrilled, to say the least. I mean, days-countdown was not good enough, people. One child, to remain nameless-- haha, insists that he needs to know how many more hours until we go because then he will know what time to wake up. In a week. From today. Yes. Seven days from today. 
• Benson told me tonight that he just wishes I would call him Harry (as in Harry Potter). Yes people, this has been going on for 18 months. I am not exactly sure if I should embrace it or ignore it. Thus far, neither method has kept me from searching every crevice of our house for wands. He also wants me to color his hair black-i-er (term he used) because Harry's is black-i-er. 
• Josh has had plenty of downs, ups, downs, and back up agains in the last few weeks. I assume that may be of considerable interest to those tracking his progress with Glioblastoma Multiforme. Blasted disease makes me crazy. It's like the naughty step-child that acts alright and then decides he's gone a little too long without stirring up drama/pain/confusion.
• And for your laughter: I feel flat on my face in the middle of the street in Park City, and then tonight I honestly had a brain cramp and couldn't remember what I was supposed to do at a green light. Someone had to honk, not just once, but twice to get me to go. Sorry people.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              
• Need I say more than a much neglected SMACK at my iron chef competitors. Just remember the first impression is the one that lasts.... and it's gonna be a good one!

The worse part about "Determine the Relationship" talks is that you have to be completely honest with your self and the conversation reveals the things you find are lacking or opposingly going well. Well, I guess since I have been a little sensitive about my blog, recently, I am not exactly sure what to focus my energies on.

Let 'em all out. I have taken Prendisone so as to avoid the adverse side effects to my weekly MS treatment. I am still awake at 3:00 in the morning listening to YouTube versions of inspirational songs, and I feel the need to DTR with this thing. As readers, I hope you take part in this awkward part of my blogger relationship. Lay it all out as was before... sweet and simple synapses... the kids... life... updates on health... midnight ramblings to ease my mind? The songs that heal my heart and strengthen may faith? Maybe that is annoying because you could look them up if you wanted too? What is it that brings you to my blog in the first place? 

Ok... actually, regarding that last question. Let's just name the big elephant in the room. It's the picture of my kids in my heading, right??? Come on, I know it is. That's what I stare at for a good several minutes before doing anything on blogger.

Well, if you have read this much of my extremely-oh-so-early ramblings, I guess you should have something to watch. If you are interested, that is. A recent seminary song has been running through my head and I had to find it. Bless YouTube for it's wide variety of all-out-crazy-verging-on-rediculous and then its just-what-I needed-to-find-just-this-very-second-mind-boggling-abilities. Really? Can something be so insanely vast? Apparently.

Here are two healing my broken heart. Which do you like best?

Come to Jesus... (Can you see how even President Hinckley's heart was breaking. It healed. There is always hope.)
My Soul Hungered...(Whose hasn't during times of trial, and lets be honest: we all have them)

I guess I am still struggling with what to do with this blog. It shouldn't matter what other's think. I have heard your comments about not letting that affect what I write. But it makes me feel more guarded which keeps me from doing the kind of writing that is therapeutic for me. It makes me feel guarded about what I say about my kids. It makes me worry about what kind of pictures I can post. I have had many ask that I not go private, many tell me that is an opportunity to share my testimony of the Savior.

From that perspective, I want to continue to blog. I want to share our experiences in the hope that it will somehow benefit someone else. The other side of the coin is that I am somewhat of an open book. I don't feel like I have anything to hide. Part of that comes because I don't want to falsely profess perfection that is clearly not there. I would rather tell life like it is. I would rather my posting be honest and real. So... maybe that gets annoying. I am not really sure.

Clearly, this DTR is way overdue.