Waiting on the Lord

A couple of months ago, while Josh and I went to the temple, I had been praying for peace. Praying for understanding, insight, or anything. I had started to feel like my faith was wearing thin and I worried about so many different things. Throughout our time in the temple, my interest and attention peaked as I realized that when we are waiting on the Lord is the exact time that Satan does his best to have his way with us. He knows that if we let ourselves sink into despair, depression and fear we will be less likely to recognize the Spirit and His quiet whisperings. It is his opportunity to draw us away from our Heavenly Father. We have to actively and faithfully wait on the Lord, remembering that He will be there, He will answer, He will keep His promises.

I realized that I was allowing myself to become discouraged while waiting on the Lord. I feel like so much has gone on, and it gets exhausting. It's like treading water-- just doing your best to keep your head above the water-- but never resting. Never.

Have you ever felt like that? I knew that the thoughts and impressions I had were an answer to my prayers. There was no angelic visitation or flash of lightening, just quiet thoughts inspired by the quiet peace the temple brings. It wasn't necessarily the answer I was looking for, but it was the answer I needed. The reassurance that if I continued to wait on the Lord, the Lord would continue to watch over me, care for me, love me.

Soon after my experience in the temple, Elder Hales gave a talk in conference called  "Waiting upon the Lord: Thy Will Be Done"  My attention peaked when in his opening statement he said "During the past few months I have had the opportunity to study and learn more about the Savior's atoning sacrifice." I knew it was going to be a good talk, and one that I should listen too. Emotions were raw as he continued speaking of the Savior, His trials and the way he waited on the Lord, and then Joseph Smith, his trials and the way he waited on the Lord. I am ashamed to say that I quickly forgot most of his talk as the day and week went on. I realized I needed to go back and read what it was that struck my heart. I learned more, and made a point to commit it to my memory.

I have read the talk several times since then, and have been reading it again today. I needed it. Desperately. The part that has been the most helpful is as follows:

"...why such terrible tribulation? To what end? For what purpose? As we ask these questions, we realize that the purpose of our life on earth is to grow, develop and be strengthened through our own experiences. How do we do this? The scriptures give us an answer in one simple phrase: we 'wait upon the Lord'....  Does this mean we will always understand our challenges? Won't all of us, sometime, have reason to ask, 'O God, where art thou?' Yes! when a spouse dies, a companion will wonder. When financial hardship befalls a family, a father will ask. When children wander from the path, a mother and father will cry out in sorrow. Yes, 'weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.' Then, in the dawn of our increased faith and understanding, we arise and choose to wait upon the Lord saying, 'Thy will be done.'"

Later today, Josh was talking with his parents. His mom rehearsed a scripture she had been memorizing and felt relevant to our current situation. Isaiah 40:31:

"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary, and they shall walk, and not faint."

She didn't know how relevant it really was for me. I was too emotional to say anything.

And then this video from one of my dearest friends' blog:



I bet some of you wish that I would write about something different for a change. I am sorry. I don't mean for this blog to become a place to cope. I guess that is what it is for now. Mostly, I want to write down things that I think about or to work out what is on my mind. It is healing. I hope it can be helpful to someone else at some point. Meanwhile, my three sons plus one all still exist. They are wonderful and great and completely blog worthy. I am just not "there." Part of me wants to keep somethings to ourselves worried that maybe it's been "too much" for us and for all of you.

For now, this is what I need to write down. I remember a talk from Elder Bednar when I was at Ricks. He said that if we wanted to be able to recognize the Spirit, we needed to write things down when we knew we had. So... here I am. Writing it down.

Beautiful Heartbreak

I realize this blog is neglected. I fully admit that it has been intentional. The reasons are my own. Tonight, I cannot remain silent. If one person reads this blog and feels even a morsel of what I feel tonight, right now, I feel like it's worth making myself vulnerable sharing a bit of my (albeit thread-bare) personal strength (if you can call it that).
Anyone who may have read my blog posts in the past, may be aware of my gravitation to inspirational music. It somehow heals my heart. Considering that a song of the righteous is a prayer (D&C 25) I guess this should be no surprise.
Our lives have been disrupted on several occasions throughout our married life. Not that it is any more than anyone else walking through this mortal probation, but it has been maybe a little more public. At least recently.
Our hearts have been broken. We have cried. We have worried. We have been afraid. But part of this life is to experience that everything has it's opposite. As broken as our hearts were, we have felt the healing balm of the atonement. We have felt the insurmountable joy in the good news of the gospel. We have felt undeniable, tangible peace from the Comforter. We have felt our faith increase. We have seen the beauty in our heartbreak.
I know we can be built and drawn close to our Father through all our experiences. We endure trials only minute by minute, having faith that Christ actually did what he said he did and that great act is enough to see us through. We can see, even in the midst of our heartbreak, how beautiful it really is.

How Firm a Foundation?

This life is filled with so much turmoil, trial and suffering. Look all around you: your own life, your family, your friends, your neighbors and associates. You hear of some new heartache everyday. There is sadness, anger, stress and frustration at every level in each of our lives.
Yesterday I felt like life was too hard. I was angry and mad that with all we have been dealt we have a new  worry to add to our list of what-do-we-do-next. I sincerely wondered if there was something that was wrong in our lives that we aren't seeing. I began to let my fear drown faith. I even told my dad that I had no more faith left. He lovingly told me that wasn't true and that I did.
I was so upset that I let it affect the way I spoke to my children. They had done nothing wrong. They were only being little boys. I am ashamed that they had to ask what they had done wrong and why I was mad at them. My poor babies. They deserve better. They deserve a lot better. Amidst all the turmoil that they certainly know about, they deserve to have a calm and loving mother remind them how much they are loved. I prayed for forgiveness.
A simple and yet very tender mercy reminded me that Heavenly Father is still there. He still loves us. He knows what we are going through. He knows it's hard, but has still blessed us.
I am thankful for a friend who is calm and quiet enough in her own life to hear the quiet promptings of the Spirit. I was reminded to search out peace by firmly placing my feet down and refusing to give in.

"For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid..."

Eight and a few, uh... months.

Today I realized that I have still NEVER posted about Kimball's eighth birthday and baptism. Actually, I have started this blog and never posted it, adding to it now and then, but never finishing. Since his birthday was over two months ago, I am going to give it a solid effort tonight.
When I look at my biggest little man:
I can still see the baby I held in my arms eight years ago. It kinda hurts-- in a good way, I guess. Because you want them to grow, right? I was not convinced that anyone, anywhere could love a sweet little baby as much as I loved that smiley baby. (Yes, he was a smiley newborn. No, it wasn't gas, people. Do you know Kimball? Enough said!)
I can see a creative thinker who loves to write stories and draw pictures to fill a notebook.
I can see a interest and talent in music. He loves to play the guitar and piano, and sings too.
I can see a smart and bright student. He loves school, learning, and the routine of it all.
I can see a tender heart who carries such a heavy burden, but who doesn't let it weigh him down.
I can see a caring brother who, while growing into bigger-boy toys, interests, hobbies etc. is still good enough to play and entertain younger brothers.
If I continue to share all that I see and love in Kimball, I the list could be endless! Suffice it to say that he has a likable, tenacious, personality and I have recognized that he was sent to our family first with a purpose.
He was so excited about his eighth birthday, and changed his mind about the potential birthday theme daily. We were never exactly sure what he was going to be coming up with next. He went from Super Mario Brothers and Tron to the Golden Plates and Prophets and Jesus (it was his eighth birthday, after all).  He ended up choosing a movie night with friends at the drive-in and then a Mario party at Grammy's. (And to avoid sacreligion, we convinced him that we could make a Book of Mormon cake for his baptism luncheon, and that seemed to help narrow the choices.)

Dressed as Mario (he should play the part right?) opening Mario clothes!

Mario's Music Maker

His baptism followed shortly, and we were so lucky to have so many family and friends come support Kimball. 

He was also able to share his special day with Aunt Emily's birthday! Part of me still can't believe that I have a little man old enough to make the decision to be baptized. I am so proud of him. I was asked to speak about the gift of the Holy Ghost, and it was a tender moment for me. I felt privileged to be able to share my testimony and some personal experiences before he was confirmed. The truth is, the feelings I had that day were sacred. I felt blessed. Present life conditions seemed irrelevant. My baby boy is not so much a baby, but my heart was full the way it was when I first saw him. I love you Kimball! Thank you for being who you are. 

On my mind...

New blog post! Click here!

Life is an Adventure: Helping and Healing

Just to spread the word: I started a new blog: click here: Life is an Adventure. Check it out and you won't be disappointed. (Especially if you have been affected by cancer in one way or another.) 

This is what I posted:

I am starting this blog in honor of my good friend Josh Graham.  I want to promote a 5K run/walk in his honor. He was my bishop, my boss and most importantly a friend (like an older brother).

I looked up to the advice he was always willing to give and inspired by is unwavering faith and positive outlook on life. I admired the way he spoke of his sweet wife and children. I admired his ambition and perseverance.

(By the way, just as some little fun facst: his oldest son, Keaton has turned into more than just his father's son. It makes me feel nostalgic to watch Keaton's personality, features, and passion for life. Christian carries his moral and sense of righteousness that he so gently teaches my own sons, and Celesta carries her father's love for the Lord. Lizzy, well, they don't get much cuter than that and that sweet two-year-old knows that her daddy is with Jesus. What an amazing knowledge for such a young baby. It says a lot about their mother, right?)

Even after a complicated cancer diagnosis, he was willing to offer his time and talents to the Lord as a bishop. His time was relatively short but had a huge impact on the members of the Vernal 9^th Ward. He gave his every energy to the Church and magnified his calling.

This man was outstanding in the community as he worked as the director for the Can Do Crew teaching and training those with special needs to develop the skills they need in order to find opportunities to contribute and work in the community. Two years after his passing, the members of the crew still love Josh and affectionately refer to him as “Boss.” They watch down the street where his sweet family lives to look for his truck and to just remember and hold on to the relationships they had developed with him.

His motto as he began his journey with cancer was “Life is an Adventure.”

That passion and spirit is being spread to others through scholarship opportunities offered in the “Life is an Adventure 5K run/walk.”

This year is the second annual event and will be held at a larger scale with sponsors and the Utah State University Extension here in the basin to enable new adventures to those just embarking on them.

The not-for-profit event is being held in Josh’s memory during the month of his birthday. The event last year was healing and inspiring to say the least.

To the many of you who have experienced the devastating diagnosis of cancer through a family member or friend, I promise that this event is an opportunity to turn a challenge into a blessing. It is an event for the whole family that gives back to the community in a way that is unique from other events.

The preceding words are not in vain. They are from personal experience, and I want to reiterate with all sincerity that I know Josh is watching over and pleased with what is being done in his honor. He truly believed that our lives were each their own adventure and that we should take whatever came our way and face it head on with the attitude that it was just that: an adventure. A new opportunity to learn and grow and experience something new in life: something to draw us closer to our friends, family and Heavenly Father.

This year the event is much more ambitious than last year, and we plan to start a committee to help with the particulars. If you are interested in helping in any way, please contact me at jbaumgarten@ubtanet.com.

So many of you have asked what you can do for us in our particular situation. (Which I hope you don't take in the wrong way, I am certainly not trying to exploit our own trials, only trying to express my sincerity.) Right now, this is my passion. This is what I want help with. I want this event to be successful to help someone new embrace life’s adventure through education.

Life really is and adventure.

Helping.

Healing.

P.S. You can register for the event at:

http://www.active.com/page/event_details.htm?event_id=1957691

For Wes, Lori, Lucy, & Spencer: We love you!

I am not sure what is best. Recently my favorite is Perfect Peace. However, Held and The Healer have been, right there at the top pretty consistently...

• Perfect Peace
• Held
• The Healer

We love you.

Kristen and Josh