I know this is a baby picture, but you can see his cute hand and his personality is easy to read in that smile!
Because our lives have been so crazy for the last couple of months, and I am not sure what the following weeks/months will entail, I signed up Kimball and McKay for the summer connections program. I figured that it would be a chance for them to do some fun things that I might not be willing to do with a new baby.
Anyway, today was only the third day, but last Thursday McKay said that two boys were being mean to him about his arm. (In case you don't know, he was born with an ulnar club arm and has only two fingers on his left hand.) He said they were calling him pig-arm and crab-kid. They told him that it made him ugly and they didn't want to see it. He said that he just ignored them but that it made him feel bad. (OF COURSE IT DID!)
For the most part, he doesn't really ever talk about his arm or act like it ever affects him. But, there have been a few incidents. Most recently he was disappointed that Eliza was born with all ten fingers. I guess he was hoping that SOMEONE would be like him.
We have spent so much time telling him how great he is and how special he must be that Heavenly Father sent him with a special arm and that he could still do everything everyone else can do. We've told him how much we love his arm and how much we love him and what a great kid he is.
I told him on Thursday (through gritted teeth and boiling blood) that he should just tell them that even though his arm was different, he was born that way and that he could be their good friend and do everything that they could do. I want him to always be the bigger person and not stoop to the level of someone who simply doesn't understand that people are born with differences. Yet, on the inside I was fuming mad and wanted to let those kids know what I thought about them. I wanted to tell them that they should think about how they would feel if I told them I thought they were ugly and didn't want to look at them because they had brown eyes, freckles, or because they had feet! Something to make the point that it was something McKay couldn't help and that they were out of line!
Whether it is because these kids just haven't been taught or they are just stinkers and brats on their own, I can't help but be furious because we have tried so hard to let him know that he is perfect just the way he is and that there isn't anything he can't do. I was upset about it all weekend and I actually talked to the person in charge and she felt it best to talk to the teachers over his age group and that maybe they could find a way to address the issue sensitively.
So, fast forward to today. Apparently the kids were calling him "two-finger man" today and running and screaming and saying "Get away from him before we have to look at it!" OH MY GOSH! SERIOUSLY? He tried to talk to them and tell them what I told him to say but they just kept running away from him. So, he said he just decided to ignore him. Then, he said that someone was nice to him. He said that the little girl told him that it looked like another finger was trying to grow and so then he would have three. He felt like that was nice, and I am sure the little girl was trying to be nice. But, I don't want him to feel like he has to have five fingers to have friends or to be able to do the things other kids are doing. Even Kimball was feeling protective. He said, "When I see the boys with the black hair I will tell them that I am in first grade and you are my brother so they should be nice." It made me feel proud that Kimball wants to stick up for his brother.
What am I going to do about this? I think that I might go and have McKay point them out to me so that I can talk to the kids. I will do my best to be kind and sensitive about it, but I feel like I can't just sit back and let him be made fun of everyday. If I don't stand up for my own son, who will? Am I wrong? Would it make it worse for McKay? He doesn't need people tearing him down when we have worked to build him up!
This is what I feared when he was born. This is what I cried about. This is what I worried and stressed over when he was only a few hours old. I knew it would come. It is inevitable. Kids can be so mean. I remember elementary school and hearing kids make fun of other kids. The teasing only changes and gets worse through middle school, junior high and high school. But, this is what we are facing right now. This is what my poor little McKay has to hear. He is such a great kid and can be a good friend. The little brats are missing out on an opportunity to have a really good, fun buddy.
It makes me realize that when he starts Kindergarten in the fall that I can't just sit back and hope the kids are compassionate. They won't be. I have to take the initiative to say something. Or do I? Does it make it worse? Think about Finding Nemo. I know that is maybe lame, but that is what I keep thinking about. Think about how Marlin tells the kids at school that Nemo has a "lucky fin" and that he was born with it. Nemo is humiliated. Am I going to make it worse by saying something? But I can't sit back and do NOTHING! Aaaahhhh!
15 comments:
I am so sorry Kristen, you are such a good mom, I am so impressed with how you handle everything that you are faced with! I think you have every right to be protective and stand up for your child. I don't think at that young of an age there will be any repercussion if you go and talk to the kids. I think it will help like you said to understand and then not be afraid. I also think it will be better in Kindergarten because he will be with the same kids for the most part. The first time kids see anything different they are very bold, and sometimes rude, but then they get used to it and will treat him the same as any one else, especially if they have a good teacher. BTW Easton's kindergarten teacher is going to be teaching over there this year, her name is Ms. Nelson, and she is AMAZING! I also agree with other's on facebook if my son was doing something like this, I would want to know so that I could talk to him.
Just an idea, but maybe you could take like Nemo cupcakes or something to share with his connections class, and maybe have a cute little themed talk with the whole class.
Kristen, that would be so hard to be in your shoes. I am not sure if this is the correct thing...but quickly thinking about it, this is what comes to mind. McKay is the sweetest boy and there will be so many kids that realize that and want to be his friend. However kids that are mean, sometimes never grow up and he will experience different things all throughout his life. It is probably good for him to learn how to fight his own battles whether he turns the other check, clings to those kids who are nice and ignores them all together. But with that being said, I definitely think the teachers need to be more aware of what is going on. They need to be teaching those kids right and wrong while they are in their presence. Isn't that what they get paid for? ;) I also think it is great that Kimball is sticking up for his little brother. It is how it should be!! You have great little boys and they have been taught by such amazing parents. They will always be an example to other kids around them. It just takes longer for some kids (even adults) to catch on and realize that they are wrong. Keep your chin up girl. Love ya lots!
Ohhhh, Poor McKay! Kristen, I would totally feel the same way. Canyon did a little dance clinic at the rec center last summer and she was just being nice to these two little girls and wanted to sit by them. Because they didn't know her and they were friends with each other before, they kept giving her dirty looks and sticking their tongue out at her every time she went near them! What is wrong with these little brats?! I agree with you, I don't know whether they are taught (or not taught in this case) or whether they are just little brats on their own but either way it's not easier on your child or on you for that matter. It's a hard call. I would want to do the same as you - go talk to the kids but as you said about Nemo, would it make it worse? In this case, I would say no, specifically because of his age. I would think that because he is so young, first, you are not going to embarass him, and second, because these kids need to understand that there are people with differences and that it doesn't make them weird or ugly or anything else, it just makes them - THEM. This is one of the hardest things for parents I think! We raise our kids from such a young, young age believing they are special not only for their "regular" qualities but for their uniqueness! Then it gets flushed away because of some mean bullies! I feel for you girl. Hug him tight, get your nerve up, and go give them a piece of your mind (in a sensitive way of course, lol)!
Please, SERIOUSLY, if you need anything let me know. I'd love to help if there's anything I can do for your sweet little family
:) Carissa
What a lovely compassionate Mom you are. What a brave little fella that McKay is. How can you look past the smile and cute face anyway? You have done everything a mom could possibly do. Because kids don't realize everyone is different(just 'cause they ARE) and they all want to be part of the herd, they do not understand people who are ok in their own skins. You tell McKay if he wants big people friends, he has plenty, who are rooting for him and knowing he will be a super duper friend to anyone else, because his parents gave him a good grounding in what is REALLY important, he is Heavenly Father's son. He knew that McKay could deal with mortality in a special way and gave him good parents and grandparents and friends to help him. O Kristen, ain't it fun being the mom?! Love you!!!
I think sometimes kids make fun of what they don't understand, and also, once one ringleader starts it (like the running away screaming) they all think it's funny to follow, without realizing the horrible damage they are doing.
I think you should go to the school when they're all there (letting the teacher know ahead of time) and talk to all the kids. Tell them how McKay can do everything they can do. Tell them that he was born that way because Heavenly Father knew he was so so strong that he could handle hard things and become an even stronger man than he would have if he had had no trials. (I don't care if it's school... most of these kids are religious, and I think you should bring it up). Tell them what their mean words do to McKay, and YES, ask them how they'd feel if they were made fun of for something they couldn't change. I think McKay is young enough that it's not going to make him "uncool" if his mom comes and talks to the kids. I think they just need to know that what they're doing is not okay. Hopefully some of those kids will end up being lifelong friends that will stick up for him through kindergarten and beyond.
Hugs to you and McKay. I love you both. It made me smile the couple of times McKay would ask me to take a picture of his arm. I gladly obliged, because I think it's a very special arm, and I think you have taught him SO well to love himself.
I am not so good at advice, but I think I would have a talk with the kids involved and I think I would find out who their parents are and chat with them as well. If you are able to catch it now it might be a good learning lesson for them and might change the way they view things in the future. It is so frustrating though and it is a fight you will have to deal with all your life. The thing is we are all young and dumb at some point in our lives and without someone to set us straight we never learn. Good luck with it and I hope Mckay knows Heavenly Father made him strong enough to deal with it, he just has to find his inner strength and dig in. Easer said then done though.
Oh Kristen....My heart breaks thinking of him having to go through it...and you as his mom having to think about it. It is almost double hard for moms to have to watch their kids suffer.
I know that his issue is physical...while my Kayler looks perfectly normal...but acts FAR from normal. It has been hard this summer to have the looks and stares from other kids and even parents at the parks and other places as Kayler does his weird things or screams and has massive tantrums. I get so embarrassed. I even heard one mom tell her little girl, "that little boy is being so naughty, his mommy better take him home and spank his bare bum and lock him in his room" Ummm....yeah, like that would help-spank the autism right out of my child.
Anyways...I don't know what advice to tell you. People/kids are mean...and it is sad, but the little boys had to learn to be mean from somewhere, and they probably have just as rude/mean parents.
Maybe going to talk to the boys would help. I feel so bad that you have more than enough on your plate and you have this to worry you even further.
I hope that you can get things figured out...I love the Lucky fin idea. Have a good day. :)
I can hardly even read this without freaking out. I can NOT stand it when kids are mean. They are so cruel! Please give McKay a hug for me! I know you will do the right thing, because that's just who you are!
I really hate and get made when you tell me about kids teasing him about it. McKay is the cutest, sweetest, and funnest boys I have ever met. I love how you and Josh handle it and tell him how special he is because of it. I wouldn't let it go at this age, you can stand up for him. In middle school, maybe he would be care. Love that he stands up for himself too. lots of love!
Oh, Kris, I'm so sorry. That is so hard.
I've been thinking about this a lot, and truthfully, I think it might be a good idea to at least talk with the parents of the kids who are harassing him. I hate to say it, but talking to the kids might be counter-productive, in that they might just pick on him more. They don't have to be very old for kids to pick up on the can't/won't stick up for themselves vibe. So I guess I kind of agree with Briana in that matter.
That being said, I totally agree that the teachers need to be made aware of what's going on. As far as kindergarten goes, I would be careful. There are a couple different ways to handle it, and what I wouldn't do is talk to the other kids with McKay there. I would be worried it might undermine everything you've tried to teach him about being special and being able to do everything anyone else can do if you're going to tell the other kids how/why he's special and different. Does that make sense?
When I was in kindergarten, we had a student who was deaf in our class. On the first day of school, he wasn't there, but his interpreter came in and explained to us that he was going to be in our class, explained what that meant and how we could help him, etc. It was no big deal when he came to school the next day. He ended up being my best friend in kindergarten and first grade, and the reason I learned a lot of sign language when I was a little kid.
The other thing you could do is talk to his teacher ahead of time and ask him/her to do something about celebrating differences. Like do a show and tell type thing where each kid can talk about what is special and different about each of them, which gives McKay an opportunity to talk about it himself. With a little bit of prep work, this could easily happen the first day of school.
On a sort of different note, have you ever heard of Nick Vujicic??? He's the guy from Australia who has no arms and no legs, and he is INCREDIBLE. He has an amazing DVD (maybe more than one) out there, and you might want to consider ordering it and watching it with McKay. It shows how he has learned how to swim and do all kinds of crazy things. This is a video on youtube that shows a little bit of his DVD and there are lots more clips of him on the sidebar:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3LFBqvvW-M
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yo_24_qTNac&feature=related
His motto is "No Arms, No Legs, No Worries!" and his website is called, "Life Without Limbs: From No Limbs to No Limits." He's a motivational speaker and he has an awesome testimony all about hope. He obviously has more struggles than McKay ever will, but pretty cool to see how someone like that can literally do just about anything. Might be worthwhile to watch it with McKay. His website is: http://www.lifewithoutlimbs.org/
All you can do is follow your heart, girl, and if Mama Bear is coming out to protect her cubs, then that's a sign of you being a great mom. Hang in there, and as always, you guys are in my prayers. Loves!
I know I already told you how I feel on faceBook, but I wanted to tell you one more thing....
I talked to Quayd about McKay and told him what is going on. (He goes to connections too.) Even though he doesn't know McKay, he was sickened at the thought of someone being mean to him. I told him to be aware of the situation and if he happened to hear anyone being mean that I hope he would step in. He assured me he has McKay's back! When I dropped him off today, he was telling his best bud all about it and he agreed to protect McKay too! ;) These two boys have made it their personal mission to look out for mean kids and protect McKay, and anyone else who might be getting picked on. They want to meet McKay and will probably introduce themselves when they see him. So you can let him know that two 3rd graders are looking out for him!!
They were so cute about it and I was so happy to see their compassion, I just had to share! Love ya!!!
You need to talk to the teacher and the one at recess! To not only keep a watch every and stop it, but you need to have the teacher do a class where she teaches by example. For instance, taking every child with blue eyes and setting them on one side of the class room and asking them how they would feel if just because they were born with blue eyes they couldn't do things with other kids. Then she needs to keep going and do it with hair color, skin color, if they have a birth mark ect. The teacher needs to do it enough times that they get the point and she even needs to talk about different handycaps.
I hope this makes sence... I know I'm blubbering...
I would have the same feelings as you. The world is so wrong sometimes!
I don't know how much good this would do knowing how some parents are, but have you thought about finding out who their parents are talking to them? I would think MOST parents would be horrified to know their kids were being so mean. I know it's hard cause kids will do what they want but if their parents talk to them and explain what's wrong maybe it would help.
Kristen,
It makes me so sad to think of anyone treating McKay that way! I think the best thing to do is talk to the boys and for sure their parents. I really don't think mose parents would be ok with their kids acting that way. I worry that if it doesn't stop now, it could change who McKay is forever. He has always seemed (to me, at least) so confident and happy with himself and I would never want that to change because of a few mean, bratty kids. Good luck with all if it. Love you!
Kristen you need to share "The Rest of the Story". Love ya
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