"Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done..." -C.S. LewisI love C.S. Lewis. I love his rhetoric, tone, and the way the words he writes are somehow visual to me. I have (on several occasions) been taught and/or retaught the way I should be thinking, living, loving and praying by paragraphs, pages, and prose by Lewis. Today, this is it. Read it again. Does it do the same for you? Can you literally see what he says?
I can see how everyday I should be kneeling down praying as sincerely as ever for the aid and assistance I need. I can see how I should be desperately working to be worthy of the enabling power of the atonement. Every. Single. Day.
The problem with my pitiful human self is that I tend to...
swing,
swing,
swing.
Forward and back.
Over and over.
Just at the very moment when I think I am getting ahead, when I am feeling like I am getting to the point where I can rest I fall backward again. At the very bottom, I have to push my feet forward-- leaving the rest of my body behind-- having faith that I am moving forward again. It gets exhausting.
It's not that I can't appreciate the sun on my face, and the gentle breeze in both directions. It's not that I don't understand that I should enjoy the ride. It just feels redundant.
I make no apologies this time. I am only going to remind anyone who might be actually reading that sometimes I just need to vent. I enjoy writing. It has proven therapeutic. I am certainly far from where I want to be and do not claim to be a mother who has it figured out and gets it all done or that I EVER feel satisfied at the end of the day. There are always things left undone. Something always has to give. As much as I want to be beautifully put together in every aspect I am not. And for the most part it's fine. I realize that part of super-human ability is not mine. I admire those for whom it is. My mind is mostly otherwise occupied anyway.
Enough with this heavy purge, I should share some things about my kids to lighten my mood (and for heaven's sake this blog). If you're still reading... keep reading the next post. If for nothing else, you might get a giggle out of it.
8 comments:
Your stories of your kids crack me up! They're so cute. :) Kristen, you are an amazing writer, and I am so glad you put your honest feelings out there in such a beautiful way. Aubrey reads your posts sometimes, and even she pointed out what an amazing writer you are. Love you!
You are such a blagger!!;) Oh I know how you feel about the swing part, but I think I am like the little preschooler that doesn't quite know how to pump their legs yet.
Love the silly things you kids say and do. They are just so cute and I love them. Bensy gave me a good laugh!
Well, you just put into words how I feel as a woman(human) most days. I doubt that anyone has the "super-human ability" of which you speak. It may seem that some do from an outside perspective, but we all struggle in some way. I too, have felt the pendulum swinging back and forth in my life. The ebb and flow of emotions from day to day make consistency and progress seem just out of my grasp. I am just thankful and feel blessed everyday that I have the DESIRE to keep pressing forward, even when all efforts appear futile. Thanks for your example and I am so excited to be following your blog!!
I loved reading that. He wrote just the way I couldn't have explained, just as you feel yourself doing so well, sometimes you slip. I think the hardest part for me is digging in and not succumbing to Satan who is whispering in my ear "you slipped don't try again." It helps to know that even he feels like he needs to try everyday, to restart. Thank you for posting that.
Kristen, you and your family are amazing. We love you, think about you, and pray for you every day.
p.s. the stories of your kids made me lol!
I think you just described me perfectly. Not that our situations or trials are similar in any way...but I feel that same way!
Thanks for updating. I think about and pray for you often!
I am amazed at your ability to express how you feel- what you have experienced, and continue to go through in this tough journey, Kristen! I only hope you can see how far you've come, even as you feel yourself swinging back and forth, seemingly in place. Progression and purpose in trials are so hard for us to see when we're in the middle of them! I just want you to know that as redundant and stagnant as you may feel sometimes, those of us around you see how beautiful and amazing you truly have been and continue to become!
I have to agree with Mindy. You are an incredible writter. I feel like I could read your words all night. Love your honesty and I love the sweet words from your little men. The bouncy ball story just kills me. Thank goodness for their innocent ways, they seem to get us through the rocky and HILLY parts of life. You're amazing girlie.
lovely post! I love that Lewis quote!! We're anxious to catch up sometime and hear in detail how Josh is doing! I'll write an e-mail soon! Just wanted to say thanks for your thoughtful post and to say that your children are BEYOND darling!! I loved those stories! =)
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