A laugh, a tasty bite, and a vent: ready, set, go...

I have realized that it is probably best to just go ahead and update since so many have expressed their concern. In my post a few days ago, I didn't mean to be ambiguous as to fish for sympathy, it is just that I am still not sure what to think and I just needed a dose of blog-therapy.  I was feeling pretty discouraged and worried that my four children deserve better. 

Today, when I woke up I realized that my symptoms were not only still there, but were worse! Discouragement set in again, and pursued through out the majority of the day. 

Forgive me for a minute as I digress: 

I was thinking hard about how to stay positive and decided that I would blog to work through my feelings, even if I didn't post. I made my way to Facebook first and ironically, the first update I saw was from my friend Aderyn (who happens to be an amazing cook, btw. Yes, Aderyn. You are! Check out her foodie blog: Confessions of a Wannabe Chef. You will be drooling for Creme Brulee) 

Anyway, she posted a couple of links to Youtube for a foreign version of Candid Camera and I was laughing my guts out. (See my last post because it is totally worth a few minutes to get in a good laugh.) 

Then, I got lost in cyberspace and spent way too much time reading blogs. I was blog-stalking a blog my friend Mindy started and one of my besties, Sha, contributes to; called Apron Girls. I came across a recipe I HAD to try. It just so turned out that Josh had to run to the store so I asked him to pick up balsamic vinegar to make these Balsamic Glazed Pork Chops. 

To go with it, I roasted potatoes with EVOO, kosher salt, pepper, garlic powder, onion flakes and rosemary. Steamed broccoli rounded it off. If I had raspberries, we could have had a yogurt and raspberry parfait for desert, but still...it was delish!! I plan on making it for Mindy and Larry when they come visit in March (Yay!! And, now you two don't have to feel like guinea pigs because I already tried it, Lol!) Anyway, I had to share because one of my favorite things to come across on a blog is a picture and a recipe for something new and yummy someone has tried. (Uh, I am too lazy to type the recipe, that's why I linked it above). 

Ok, getting back to the main reason for my post tonight: I did post about two weeks ago on my crazy vertigo and the possibility of Vestibular Neuritis. That, theoretically, could still be a possibility. But, I am also struggling with numbness and vision problems too. Ugh! It is so frustrating because just daily chores are so taxing. The world is spinning so fast I have to work really hard to focus on what I am actually looking at through my double vision. Yesterday, I went to pick up Eliza from her nap and we both fell down the stairs. Luckily I was holding her with both arms and was able to keep her from getting hurt, but that was kind-of the straw that broke the camel's back concerning my mood!

Anyway, I have had a mostly normal MRI and I am waiting to get an appointment with a neurologist to just get to the bottom of it all. There are a few different possible diagnosis, but I won't be any closer to that until I can get lucky enough for a cancellation. Otherwise, the neurology waiting list is anticipated to be scheduled starting June 1! Good grief!

The biggest thing is that I feel like my kids deserve to be taken care of, loved and played with. I hate that I feel so... not like myself, that all I want to do is lie down on the couch so the room will spin a little slower. Kimball was crying tonight because he wanted to know what was going to happen to them if Josh died and I was too sick. He said that someone had to take care of them, and he is absolutely right. That's my problem. All of my symptoms are annoying and interfere with my daily life, I am stuck at home for the majority of the day because I can't focus enough to drive. (I would probably spend most of the day at home anyway, it's just the knowledge that I CAN'T leave, I guess, that drives me bonkers.) I can't eat or swallow without a burning/tingling/pain in the back of my throat. Still... even more than all the annoying symptoms, I worry about my kids. I wonder why they might be the ones who have to deal with sick parents. Parents who should be taking care of them and playing with them and taking them to do the things they want to do when possible. It makes my heart break.
I have to say that Josh has been carrying the load for the last four weeks. He has been amazing and I love him all the more for it. But, part of me wants to scream because he should have the chance to rest and take care of himself when he is feeling run down rather than worrying about hurrying home from work to play the father and the mother.
I should be able to take care of Josh I should be able to take care of my four young children. I should be able to give them more. Don't they deserve that?
Ok, I will stop complaining. I did warn you at the beginning of this post that I was going to blog out my discouragement, but now I am feeling super guilty. So, let me make up for it.
I am going to blog in the next few days about some more funny things my boys have done and said and maybe give a small update on how each of them are doing. I will try to find something inspirational and uplifting. I promise. Tonight, it's almost 11. I am tired. I just need to say my prayers and get some sleep. So, for now... Goodnight!