Dear mothers of little-ish boys:
I say little-ish because I am talking the almost-8-year-old-plus category. Is that still little-ish?
Anyway, my poor Kimball is struggling. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and for the most part does great. I kept him home an extra year so that when he started Kindergarten he was already 6 instead of just barely 5. I have been grateful for that decision, in that he has done well academically in school thus far. He enjoys school and with an occasional redirection does great.
Lately he has been struggling at home. He has been so sensitive. Everything is "not fair" and no matter what we say to him there is always a "but..." He argues relentlessly. Ugh!!!! I find myself telling him to stop whining and (in a less-than-loving voice) reminding him that he is almost eight and shouldn't be whining because that's what babies do.
When we were in San Diego, it became VERY clear that his poor little mind couldn't handle all the sensory input, and as much as he enjoyed vacation, having his day-to-day schedule interrupted was hard on him. He literally didn't know what to do with himself.
He told me (in his seven/eight-year-old vocabulary) that the uncertainty in our daily life is more than he can take. I went to work typing a daily schedule for him that we can work on together so that he can have an idea of what to expect from day to day but that we can be "flexible" about changing the schedule as other things come up.
He was super excited about it this morning and did a really good job following it and getting ready for school. No nagging required. No correcting which "chores" he started.
Good morning. Check that. GREAT morning. Way to go Kimball!
After school, I met the boys at the door to a crying Kimball who was upset because McKay rode his bike and Kimball didn't. McKay was going faster on his bike than Kimball could on foot (imagine that). Kimball was insisting that McKay wasn't being a good brother because he was leaving him behind.
Then there was soccer. Ugh. Not sure soccer is going to be worth it. It may be a too-long-day for him. He had a great time but after it was all done, he was back to whining and arguing and accusing EVERYONE of making his life unfair.
What is going on? What can I do different for him? Is this a common phase? I don't want to disregard his feelings, because they are his... but really? I mean REALLY? Some of the things he gets upset about seem so silly and I get frustrated that he is so whiney and argumentative that we can't even talk about it.
So, there you have it. I've still never found that parenting manual. Someone PU-LEEEESE tell me what to do for him!
Thanks in advance- Kristen
7 comments:
I most certainly don't know about this phase, yet, but do you think he could be struggling with your situation and could use a little counseling from the school or bishop or someone. Maybe he is acting out this way because he is stressed and sad about dad and now mom.
It could also be just because of his ADHD.
Raising kids is hard. Wish I had a manual. love ya!
Kristen, I feel for you! Spencer was diagnosed with ADHD when he was little (don't let that scare you). It was such a struggle for me. These kids can be stubborn and impulsive and generally hard to get a long with but they can't always help that. Has your doctor prescibed any medication? We tried many kinds and at the time, Stratera worked best. He refused to take it around 14years old so I'm not sure if it would have made much of a difference now. I thought at first, taking meds was a sign of my weakenss as a mother, but if they really need it and it helps them, I beleive now, it's a blessing to them and the parents. I recently heard of a study that food dyes red and the bright ones adversely affect ADHD kids. If anyone would have even suggested this to me back then, I would have tried to eliminate it. I don't know it's worth a try. I would say being consistent, structure, clear realistic expectations and consequences and not backing down because you are frustrated are some of the best things you can do. Sports were ahhhh because when there is so much going on and having to go from one end to the other and everyone doing different things made him a little crazy. Baseball was easier because you hit the ball and run in a square all the same direction without too many people doing different things. Learning to stick to things that are hard and not giving up is a challenge, but they can learn how to cope and be successful. Above all else, remember this, you are a good mother, with a genuine desire to teach your children correct principles, become independent and good people. You will feel guilt, frustration and wonder what you are doing wrong alot. You aren't doing anything wrong. Kimball is intelligent and sweet and has been blessed with an unsual spiritual understanding but he is probably going through things, because of your illnesses, that he doesn't understand and scare him, which lead to acting out etc. Remember that you may have to explain things over and over to reassure him. I wish I had been more patient with Spencer. I think it's good to help him understand that he has ADHD and what it means and what he can do to have control, whatever you think that should be. Change is hard for these kids too, so giving them a heads up can be helpful. Being his advocate with teachers and helping them to understand what his needs are will only help him. I wish I had been more assertive. You're wonderful Kristen, a really great mother. You can complain and vent to me at any time. I do know what it feels like to struggle with kids. I love you!!
Kristen, one more thing helped when Spencer was little. I had a system of tickets which the kids had to earn by doing good things on their own.these were chores wihtout being asked, saying I love you, sharing etc. It was very effective for Spencer and when he needed correction HE had to remove a ticket etc. They could earn a coupon after so many tickets earned, which was a reward that didn't cost anything, trip to the library with Dad alone, breakfast in bed, things like that. He had a visual way of seeing how he was doing. If you want any more information let me know, but you're more creative than me so probably can think of something really neat. :)
I agree with Sha... Maybe it would be helpful for him to talk about his feelings with someone besides mom and dad. Also, ADHD or not kids go through ruff times so maybe this is just one of his.
Kristen, you sound like you are doing a great job! I know that it is hard, and I am a hater of whining too. It is so grating on the ears. But figuring out what is really going on, like the way that he talked to you about how it is so hard to have change. Remember that he wants to be good, and he wants a solution as much as you do. My husband has ADHD, and that is the thing he wished that his parents did more was remembering that he wanted to be good, and helping him get to the root of the problem. It sounds like you and Kimball have a good relationship, keep listening to his ques, and he and the lord will help you figure it out. Love ya! I think you are a great mom!
All I can tell you is my experience with my boy.
My Questen is now 9 and he is better, but when he was 7/8 mostly 8, It was a nightmare!
Questen complained all the time. "the girls get more than me..." Sassing! Ugh the sassing! I would ask him to do something like make his bed and he would roll his eyes and say, "Oh, my gosh!" I know I probably did the wrong thing but everytime he would say it I told him he sounded like a 13 year old girl.
I found myself counting every single thing to make sure it was all even. (you each get 6 chips. ect.)Mom's just can't do this every second.
The best thing I did is every morning I made him tell me a few things he loved and reminded him to think of the good things and let other things go. and every night I made him tell me 10 good things about his day.
We still struggle from time to time, but things are getting better. I hope this helps a little bit.
Hey Kristen, it sounds like you have already gotten some great advice, but I'll throw my 2 cents your way too. Mason is also ADHD, but we have found that if we limit his sugar intake and make sure he get plently of sleep you almost wouldn't know he has ADHD. On days when he comes home from school grumpy and whiny I put him to bed and tell him no more sugar for a few days and he almost always wakes up a new kid. Hope that helps!
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