Waiting on the Lord

A couple of months ago, while Josh and I went to the temple, I had been praying for peace. Praying for understanding, insight, or anything. I had started to feel like my faith was wearing thin and I worried about so many different things. Throughout our time in the temple, my interest and attention peaked as I realized that when we are waiting on the Lord is the exact time that Satan does his best to have his way with us. He knows that if we let ourselves sink into despair, depression and fear we will be less likely to recognize the Spirit and His quiet whisperings. It is his opportunity to draw us away from our Heavenly Father. We have to actively and faithfully wait on the Lord, remembering that He will be there, He will answer, He will keep His promises.

I realized that I was allowing myself to become discouraged while waiting on the Lord. I feel like so much has gone on, and it gets exhausting. It's like treading water-- just doing your best to keep your head above the water-- but never resting. Never.

Have you ever felt like that? I knew that the thoughts and impressions I had were an answer to my prayers. There was no angelic visitation or flash of lightening, just quiet thoughts inspired by the quiet peace the temple brings. It wasn't necessarily the answer I was looking for, but it was the answer I needed. The reassurance that if I continued to wait on the Lord, the Lord would continue to watch over me, care for me, love me.

Soon after my experience in the temple, Elder Hales gave a talk in conference called  "Waiting upon the Lord: Thy Will Be Done"  My attention peaked when in his opening statement he said "During the past few months I have had the opportunity to study and learn more about the Savior's atoning sacrifice." I knew it was going to be a good talk, and one that I should listen too. Emotions were raw as he continued speaking of the Savior, His trials and the way he waited on the Lord, and then Joseph Smith, his trials and the way he waited on the Lord. I am ashamed to say that I quickly forgot most of his talk as the day and week went on. I realized I needed to go back and read what it was that struck my heart. I learned more, and made a point to commit it to my memory.

I have read the talk several times since then, and have been reading it again today. I needed it. Desperately. The part that has been the most helpful is as follows:

"...why such terrible tribulation? To what end? For what purpose? As we ask these questions, we realize that the purpose of our life on earth is to grow, develop and be strengthened through our own experiences. How do we do this? The scriptures give us an answer in one simple phrase: we 'wait upon the Lord'....  Does this mean we will always understand our challenges? Won't all of us, sometime, have reason to ask, 'O God, where art thou?' Yes! when a spouse dies, a companion will wonder. When financial hardship befalls a family, a father will ask. When children wander from the path, a mother and father will cry out in sorrow. Yes, 'weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.' Then, in the dawn of our increased faith and understanding, we arise and choose to wait upon the Lord saying, 'Thy will be done.'"

Later today, Josh was talking with his parents. His mom rehearsed a scripture she had been memorizing and felt relevant to our current situation. Isaiah 40:31:

"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary, and they shall walk, and not faint."

She didn't know how relevant it really was for me. I was too emotional to say anything.

And then this video from one of my dearest friends' blog:



I bet some of you wish that I would write about something different for a change. I am sorry. I don't mean for this blog to become a place to cope. I guess that is what it is for now. Mostly, I want to write down things that I think about or to work out what is on my mind. It is healing. I hope it can be helpful to someone else at some point. Meanwhile, my three sons plus one all still exist. They are wonderful and great and completely blog worthy. I am just not "there." Part of me wants to keep somethings to ourselves worried that maybe it's been "too much" for us and for all of you.

For now, this is what I need to write down. I remember a talk from Elder Bednar when I was at Ricks. He said that if we wanted to be able to recognize the Spirit, we needed to write things down when we knew we had. So... here I am. Writing it down.