Meet Beauty

If you are a fan of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, have I got a claim to fame for you! My cousin was just chosen as one of the finalists for the online LDS version called The Mormon Bachelorette. The just posted her application video to introduce her today. They choose the winner by viewer response! Go check it out and leave a comment! She has done a great job and deserves some great comments. I have always admired (or may or may not have been a little jealous) how photogenic Joleen is and I had to steal this picture from her blog because it is one of my most recent favorite pictures of her! The best part is... she is even more beautiful under all that photogenic-ness. She is the real deal. Love you Jo!

GO HERE TO VOTE

Seriously...help me!

Dear mothers of little-ish boys:

I say little-ish because I am talking the almost-8-year-old-plus category. Is that still little-ish?

Anyway, my poor Kimball is struggling. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and for the most part does great. I kept him home an extra year so that when he started Kindergarten he was already 6 instead of just barely 5. I have been grateful for that decision, in that he has done well academically in school thus far.  He  enjoys school and with an occasional redirection does great.

Lately he has been struggling at home. He has been so sensitive. Everything is "not fair" and no matter what we say to him there is always a "but..." He argues relentlessly. Ugh!!!! I find myself telling him to stop whining and (in a less-than-loving voice) reminding him that he is almost eight and shouldn't be whining because that's what babies do.

When we were in San Diego, it became VERY clear that his poor little mind couldn't handle all the sensory input, and as much as he enjoyed vacation, having his day-to-day schedule interrupted was hard on him. He literally didn't know what to do with himself.

He told me (in his seven/eight-year-old vocabulary) that the uncertainty in our daily life is more than he can take. I went to work typing a daily schedule for him that we can work on together so that he can have an idea of what to expect from day to day but that we can be "flexible" about changing the schedule as other things come up.

He was super excited about it this morning and did a really good job following it and getting ready for school. No nagging required. No correcting which "chores" he started.

Good morning. Check that. GREAT morning. Way to go Kimball!

After school, I met the boys at the door to a crying Kimball who was upset because McKay rode his bike and Kimball didn't. McKay was going faster on his bike than Kimball could on foot (imagine that). Kimball was insisting that McKay wasn't being a good brother because he was leaving him behind.

Then there was soccer. Ugh. Not sure soccer is going to be worth it. It may be a too-long-day for him. He had a great time but after it was all done, he was back to whining and arguing and accusing EVERYONE of making his life unfair.

What is going on? What can I do different for him? Is this a common phase? I don't want to disregard his feelings, because they are his... but really? I mean REALLY? Some of the things he gets upset about seem so silly and I get frustrated that he is so whiney and argumentative that we can't even talk about it.

So, there you have it. I've still never found that parenting manual. Someone PU-LEEEESE tell me what to do for him!

Thanks in advance- Kristen

Last year on this day

One year ago on April 2, Josh had brain surgery. Dr. Jensen (the neurosurgeon) confirmed what I had-- deep down-- already known. The tumor was cancer and we had a new life ahead of us. (P.S. Thanks to Joseph and Martha for this picture of Josh. Sorry I stole it off your blog. I L-O-V-E it)

The uncertainty has been (and sometimes is still) just as painful as the thought of losing my sweet husband.  I kept telling myself if I just knew what was going to happen I could cope. I could deal with the whole situation better. I have struggled with fear and fought it with faith. There have been times that I must admit, I felt left alone. In hindsight, it was more because I wasn't getting the answers I felt I needed.

"I quit counting the hours I've prayed for answers. I keep on knocking but nobody hears me standing at the door..."  (to be continued...)

As this week began, I knew (and it did) that my mind would spend a lot of time reflecting the emotional roller-coaster that I have partially shared with anyone who may (or for that matter, may not) be reading my blog. I have been grateful that conference was approaching and that we would have the opportunity to listen to the messages and testimonies that would in turn strengthen ours.

This morning when I woke up, I felt discouraged in my own health. My body ached and hurt everywhere and I couldn't help but make the comparison to the discouragement and ache my heart and (shamefully) my testimony have both experienced.

As I started listening to conference, my thoughts turned to the way each of us experience pain. Our mortal mission is to learn to the good from the bad. There is no way that we can feel joy if we have never felt pain. Our trials and pain are different, but the principle is the same. Each of us must turn to our Savior for healing. Our healing may be a relief from the pain. The healing may be the strength to sustain us through the pain.

My understanding has been that to have faith in Christ and in His power is to know that often our perception is very limited. We have to learn to take a step out of the comfort of the light into the darkness, extending faith that the light will follow.

"...Then through the shadows, beyond the clouds, a ray of light hits my window. I can't explain it, but I can feel it right in front of my eyes! That's when it happens. When you least expect it. When you feel like the storm will never end. That's when it happens, love breaks through the silence and Heaven surprises you-- When you least expect it."  -Hilary Weeks

During the first session of conference, Elder Kent F. Richards spoke of faith. He said in partfff:

"None of us is immune from experiencing pain. I have seen people cope with it very differently. Some turn away from God in anger, and others allow their suffering to bring them closer to God.... The Savior is not a silent observer.... Sometimes in the depths of pain we are tempted to ask, 'Is there no balm of Giliad?'... Do we have to earn His love and help?...  He healed all that came to Him. None were turned away. Sometimes a healing cures us.... Sometimes we are healed by understanding, strength, and patience to bear the burden.... Our pain can be swallowed up by his healing balm...."

(You can hear Elder Richard's talk in it's entirety HERE)

Even more than the healing and metaphors formulated in my mind as I watched a short film for a third time. (Thank you Joleen) This time I watched the video with Josh and McKay. I am going to spare you the parallels I made between the film and our lives, but please indulge me by taking the time to watch the film. Compare your life's challenges with those of the "limbless man." Pay particular attention to the circus' ring master, his compassion, his "tough" love, and the way he is able to see beyond the "limbless man's" limited view. Take note of the symbolic butterfly. You will not be disappointed.



The Butterfly Circus 2009 by xavi10m

Massive laundry, marathon cancer appointments, making it home

We flew back from California last Sunday, and after some debating decided to send the boys home with my parents since Josh had appointments starting Monday morning.
Again, no secret as to how much I LOVE laundry, and one of things that gives me anxiety about going on vacation is the fact that our family is growing and I have to do laundry EVERYDAY to keep it from getting out of control.
We came home with EIGHT loads of laundry. Count them, yes, eight loads for a six day vacation. I managed to squeeze one load into another load since there wasn't another washer close by. But, all the loads got done at the same time and I decided that in my next life, I want to have multiple washers as to be able to do massive amounts of laundry at one time. Maybe it's my lot in life to open a laundromat where I can reserve a row of washers just for me.

See? Doesn't that look like heaven? The chance to get it all done at the same time?

Monday while Eliza and I were waiting for Josh to get his lab work done, we met the most awesome people. One man with colon cancer and mets all over was positive about his Stage IV cancer, and ironically his F-bomb cancer shirt didn't offend me the way the F word usually does. In fact, as bad as it sounds, it was relatable, and I got a kick out it. I told him and we got talking. He is awesome. Dov, you inspired me. After meeting you, I will never be the same. I met a guy, Max, with melanoma who is hopeful at the opportunity to be in remission, two more women, one who is a cancer survivor and one still battling. I also met a woman who has just barely been going through all the emotion and trauma that comes initially with her husband's cancer diagnosis. I literally saw myself in her eyes. Lou, if you are reading this. You are not alone. I hope you are feeling better than you were a week ago. My heart goes out to you. I KNOW exactly how you're feeling. It isn't easy. Our hearts and prayers are with all our new friends from the Huntsman. I particularly want to share one blog from Carri, who is a cancer survivor hoping to adopt. Please check out her amazing blog!! It is called From Healing to Hope.  

Here are some cutie pie picture of Eliza watching all the action and later waiting patiently at the Huntsman's infusion waiting room. Poor baby is going to think that hospital and clinic are her second home especially with all the attention she gets every time we go. They have watched her grow and when they know we are coming, there are always a handful of specific nurses that come to see her.

Watching our new friend Dov as he was talking to his mom.

Passing the time reading a book.

Monday night, Josh had an MRI and then Tuesday morning an appointment with Dr. Colman and staff. Then, that afternoon he had an infusion for the Avastin study. The appointment went well. Josh's MRI didn't show any changes which means we can chalk up another few months for stability. I am pretty sure that every time we go Dr. Cohen and Dr. Colman are more and more convinced that I am a complete nut-case, but seriously-- I can not silence my concerns. Remember how I said that I am not the quiet type? I think it embarrasses Josh, but I am not sorry for it. He is my husband, and it is our family, our children, our life, our future. 

I want to live a long and happily-ever-after life with Josh. I have never noticed so much how wonderful it is to see a couple in their golden years sitting together at church or walking down the sidewalk hand-in-hand. I guess I always took it for granted, as I felt that it would inevitably be Josh and I one day. Now when I see it, I notice the sweetness and rarity (especially with divorce rates perpetually on the rise). My hope is that one day I will be able to sit in church with my aged husband, admiring his gray hair as he puts his arms around my hunched shoulders. In an effort to achieve that, I have to make sure that the doctors are aware of anything that might be relevant. If that makes me a nut-case and embarrassing: so be it. Despite all my questions, the reality was that he is still stable. And, ultimately, no change is good news. 

After our long couple of days at the Huntsman we were finally able to come home. It felt so good to finally be in our own home and sleep in our own bed. As great as vacation was, I was happy to be here. Probably more-so because the laundry was all done! ;)

Oh me young'uns had a ball

St. Patrick's day is a great day to sport the color green, but if you choose to not don your Irish drinking roots, it may be nothing more than a day where your wardrobe choices are limited to whatever green there may be in your closet.

For us, however, our Grammy makes St. Patrick's day one of the greatest and most looked forward to holidays. This year, she sent the kids invitations in the mail, and Benson was so excited to get mail from a leprechaun about Grammy's party. I still haven't convinced him that it was actually from Grammy. In his defense, there were stickers of a rainbow and a pot of gold, AND the invitation was on a leprechaun hat. He was anxious to call Grammy and let her know that he had a surprise for her and that it was leprechaun mail.

This year we had yummy pizza and green fruit, veggies and drinks... not to mention the fun St. Patty's Day cake! The boys were not disappointed with the pot-o-gold decor and blarney rocks. We played Leprechaun  Bingo and got a kick out of the phrases the boys had to say in lieu of bingo. Then, we played some Minute-to-Win-it inspired games. They also played a jump-the-rope game where Gimpy Limbs himself (uh, that would be Josh-- and don't worry, he's got his own terms of endearment for me) showed us what was up! That's right, tumor, you've got nothing on a determined jump-the-rope contestant!

Aside from the gentle reminders to "be a good sport because it's just a game and we are having fun," the boys LOVED the whole party and on the way home said they couldn't wait until next year when it would be St. Patrick's Day again. They even pointed out that by next year, Eliza would be big enough to play games with them. (Aw, what good big brothers).

Here are some pictures of the grand o' event for ye all to enjoy: (could you hear my Irish accent?)

A shy Harry Potter mumbling something about a blarney stone for his bingo. 

"Kiss me, I'm Irish" for bingo turned out to be one of our favorites!
Especially since Kimball is starting to get into the I-am-too-big-for-kisses stage.  Sigh. 

A not-so-adequate picture of some of the fun decor and McKay in his leprechaun hat.

Eliza literally has no green. So... she got to wear the cute green bow and some beads.

Minute-to-win-it game stacking the Apple Jacks on the skewer with one hand, tricky? Yes.
Funny to watch? Most definitely. Determined boys? You better believe it. 

San Diego

We just got back from a trip to San Diego. I have to be honest. It was our first family vacation other than our yearly trips to Jackson Hole and camping. This hasn't been to Josh's preference. He has often mentioned that he wants to go on vacation here or there. (I am not a huge traveler. I am kind of a homebody and while I like the idea of traveling and seeing the world, when it comes right down to it I start to feel like it's a little more grandiose for my personality, I get all anxious and I just would rather stay in my comfort zone.) The truth is, we have just never prioritized the money to do it. With everything that has gone on, we decided that it was important to go ahead and plan a vacation, and with the help of my parents we made it happen. (Seriously, Mom and Dad, you will never know how much we appreciate it. We enjoyed spending the time with you, building memories, sharing laughs, and most importantly did something I didn't think was possible... we developed an even deeper appreciation for you as our parents and grew to love you so much more for all that you do for us. Please know how much we love you.) 

There is SO much to do in San Diego that we barely scratched the surface. We bought these great money saving cards called Go San Diego and had three days of unlimited entrance into participating businesses. We went to the beach, on a whale watching cruise, the U.S.S. Midway, Sea World, the Mormon Battalion, the model train museum, the science museum, old town San Diego, Boomers, the tide pools and lighthouse at Point Loma, and swimming at the hotel. (Not to mention all the delicious and way too much food we enjoyed!) Honestly, the plane rides to and from California were just as exciting for the boys as any of the rest of the vacation. It was great.

I have a gazillion pictures I could post, but will try to only post a few. Watch for a post on the lighthouse of it's own. That was a particularly inspiring, stoic, and tender moment for me, considering I have a special place in my heart for lighthouses since their symbolism was made our theme during the year at Ricks I was the Relief Society president, and ironically just before I met Josh.

Okay, when it is all said and done, I posted 20 pictures. You can just quickly scroll through them. I honestly cut out more than 1/2 of what I originally picked.

Daddy and Eliza at the beach

Papa taking McKay into the water.

McKay and Kimball going back to the car SOAKING wet.

Ok, I seriously could not leave this one out. Good times. Good laughs.
Here's my dad who sold Ford cars for about 25 years driving a
CHEVY Suburban... oh the shame!

Here is our family in all our photogenic glory getting ready for the whale watching cruise.

Grammy and Papa ready to see those whales, and we did too!

USS Midway interactive jets

Sea World Bat Rays

Trying to get a good glimpse of the dolphins

Mormon Battalion essentials

Panning for gold after the Mormon Battalion tour

At the model train museum

Hurricane simulator at the science museum, where the wind got up to 80 mph

Boomers teapots, ran by our "very own personal attendant" LOL

Again... check out that photogenic family, haha! Oh brother.
Maybe one day we'll get it figured out.  Or not. 

Checking out the hermit crabs at the tide pools

Little sand crab at the tide pools

Current light house at Point Loma

Model of original light house at Point Loma, built on the highest
point, but not exactly the best point for ships to navigate

View of the ocean from original lighthouse

My little-big boy

Just look at this picture and you get a good taste of my Bensy's personality. He is not as gregarious and outgoing as his older brothers. He tends to be a little more shy, but has a hint of mischievousness that keeps him from being outdone by them. He is my baby that came to me in multiple dreams when I wasn't sure I could handle any more after my two first doses of boyhood. He is the one that from the very moment I looked at him I knew him so well that it was literally overwhelming.

The poor baby had a rough go his first year of life and struggled with ear infections over and over until just before his first birthday he had tubes and then eventually a PICC line to fix the infection. It was enough to convince me we were most assuredly done having babies that I got rid of most all things baby. He has turned out to be such a sweetie and is usually a pretty good little minder. He is noticeably more mellow than his brothers and while it's hard to get them to be quiet, poor Benson's preschool teachers can't hardly get him to talk.

Benson turned four at the end of February. My baby boy turned four. Uh, it makes my heart hurt. Really, it does. It hurts to just write it down. Do any of you mothers know what I mean? That ache that makes you realize how precious and fleeting time is? I asked him if he would just stay little and his obvious response was, "But, uh, Mom, I really do meed to turn four and have a Super Why birthday."

He tends to go from little to big depending on what is most convenient for his needs at the time. He can often be heard saying either, "But I am too little," or the complete contradiction, "But I am so very big!" It is sometimes frustrating, but more often funny! I sure do enjoy his personality and have to remind my self daily that he is NOT a baby and that I can't just give into him. Why is that? The older two just seem older. I expect more from them. Especially poor Kimball, when he was four I considered him mostly grown. Does anyone else do that? Note to self: Benson is not a baby anymore. (Sniff)

The poor little man is so fun to tease and I do it WAY too often. He just takes things so literally and still, a year later after it happened, he thinks IFA is called Crazy because when he asked my mom and I where we were going we said, "Oh, I think we are going crazy!" And, remember the garbage story? If not, you can read it on my post Oh my Bensy.

Anything that is not as it should be in his eyes has been termed, "Squawgley" including everything from his bed, to his clothes, to his hair, to the counter tops, the laundry on the floor...however the word serves it's purpose at the time being. He uses it so often that I catch myself and Josh both using it now! He has even gone so far as to tell me he didn't need to brush his teeth because they weren't squawgley, and then he flashed me a toothy grin.

Here are a few pictures from the friend birthday party at McDonald's he and Ryanna (or as Besnon says: Ryna) shared since their birthday's are so close, and the Super Why birthday we had with family where Super Why himself graced us with his presence. Harry Potter kinda started to jump in the mix after he opened one of his gifts from us: a pair of party-favor Harry Potter glasses. I am not sure that the bike he asked for was as exciting as those silly glasses.

Blowing out four candles, with a trick candle in the mix!!

The three amigos: Kenna, Benson and Ryanna

Opening gifts from friends with Ryanna

Super Why to the rescue!!

Super Why, with the power to rip open those gifts

...and here's Super Harry??